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I can’t believe or even feel that January is now yesterday. January finally ended, and what a first month it was to be honest. For better and for worse, everything’s somewhat complicated especially with all the things that took place outside of my control.

And there I was, trying not to think much about things, and focused only on my business.

I had a month. A month filled with every bit of everything.

For the past two weeks, I’ve been questioning my skills and well-being with regards to where I’m at right now. For the first time in a long time, I felt somewhat disappointed of myself. Somewhat unsure with tomorrow. Sometimes I just go home after work and stare blankly for a while before I decide to go to sleep and skip dinner.

Then, somehow, I managed to push myself to slowly take care of myself. I really suck at it. I still fail, but I’m still trying to do so.

I thought after finding peace, it will go on. But life really just hits you because it needs to.

I finished this month by watching the film “Yesterday”, directed by Danny Boyle.

There I realized that, there are risks that I needed to take in order to live my life.

Looking back, the whole month is everything that will define me tomorrow.

I managed to take the risks and opened my heart out to the person that I always wanted to talk to. We went out, and all the pain and uncertainty that I kept were finally answered. It made me look at that person, the way she is, imperfect, still in blue, but on her way to be better.

I used to look at her and think nothing but the fact that I like her back in our college days. I can’t quite understand the way she treated me, hated her for it, until that very day.

I finally understood why she keeps herself far from people. And when we stared blankly at the harbor, I finally saw the truth that’s been there all along.

The truth that she’s a part of me now, not what I wanted before, but a part of me that I need now, and tomorrow.

We got lost in manila, the way I used to dream about it, way before being right next to her was possible. Before we parted ways while I was next to her as I escorted her to her destination, it got me to think.

This might be the last time that I’ll ever see her, but it was more than enough.

She was the Summer that lasted for a year. I knew from the beginning that we’re supposed to be just friends from the very beginning, but I somehow looked past it and expected way more. But as the months passed, I finally realized the madness. But there’s this par of me that wanted to hear the truth directly from her.

And now that I have it, I walk this earth with more love for myself, and the understanding that I shouldn’t look the other way.

Maybe that’s the lesson for this month, to have courage and begin again. Not just in that standpoint, but for my entire life.

In a few days, or maybe weeks, my faith will be decided in my workplace. But whatever happens, I will not let it break me. I will use the courage that I never had until now to live today, and tomorrow, as the person who is on his way to fulfill what the stars have been leading him to.

So that’s my January, the catalyst, the beginning, and the peace that made me more human.

I will not carry this weight anymore

sincerely,
Elray Alcantara
(02032020)