Welcome to a new beginning for this blog, or whatever this is called. Haha. LOL. Man, I don’t want to sound like a professional or whatever, I just want to keep this me.
I always wanted having monthly reflections/journal every end of the month. What a way to start it with this, a journal that makes me question, “is it okay to use this time for this?”
Well, yes. I have tons of work to prepare for, other concerns. But having time for things that I really like doing, which I will share in a minute, keeps me sane and content in the midst of the pandemonium around us.
January is a great way to start this year. Yes, it is far from perfect. It is actually complicated, draining, but I never looked the other way. I faced it all with all of me. I am continuing to teach myself of things that I already know, yet it took me just now to apply.
I fully committed on writing journals, reading, taking videos, writing poems, sketching, and exercising every now and then. Everything takes a long time to do all in all, but it is indeed necessary to do such activities to keep me motivated and content.
And with that being said, here are some poems that I will share. Before that, I would like to say that I will share ALL of them in the future. I write haikus everyday, and tankas + tanagas every week.
For now, here are the Tankas that I was able to write for the month of January.
We begin again
as colors fill the night sky
all the light, the pain
just so we could learn to fly
in the midst of these tough times
Week One
where all these roads lead
starting from the very seed
planted from afar
keep pushing, keep dreaming on
grow as the man you dream of
Week Two
go and let it burn
not for you to change your turn
but for you to go
be the light in this darkness
before you fade all the way
Week Three
ride against the wind
feel the breeze of what is left
inhale what you need
exhale what makes your smile lost
and be who you are freely
Week Four
Those are the poems that I can share so far, and as mentioned earlier, I also started sketching. At the same time, I decided to improve such artwork through digitalizing them. Here are some of my works for this month featuring KPOP sensations Red Velvet, BTS, and Black Pink.
SEULGI
IRENE
YERI
JOY
WENDY
JUNGKOOK
JIMIN
TAEHYUNG
SUGA
NAMJOON
J HOPE
JIN
JENNIE
ROSE
LISA
JISOO
Before I say good bye, I also went back to reading books. I managed to finish reading Meditations, and now I’m in the midst of reading Valis.
If there is one thing that I can take away from this month, it’s that I have to do my duty as a human being and be content with myself. Yes, there are times where I long for admiration, but slowly but surely, I am learning more about what I can do, and things that are in right that also makes me happy.
As long as you are not hurting anyone, just do you, do what’s right, do what makes you happy.
TANKA 短歌 Tanka is a 31-syllable poem from the rich genre of classical Japan. It follows the form 5-7-5-7-7. I got introduced this form of poetry after I watched Makoto Shinkai’s film “The Garden of Words” Ever since then, I started writing such poetry to express my feelings and the world that I see in front of me, and in my dreams. Such genre helped me to express myself in a manner of being self-aware and at the same time, open to mistakes and improvement.
短歌 the infamous bay used to swim in hues of blue shadowed by today with trashes of me and you as the bay swims all in gray
短歌
its resurrection worked through the deaths of many no peaceful notion still linked to controversy and endless toxicity
短歌
the life of this bay nothing but a metaphor a sad song at play of the men of manila and the future of today
短歌
is this real or not? just a dream or a nightmare? can’t tell which is which am I alive, and you’re dead? or I’m dead and you’re alive?
短歌
under the gray skies a few minutes to prepare for twilight to come for something beyond human to unmask itself to me
短歌
it is time to go with all this weight I carry over my shoulder that I will try to shoulder until I can let it go
短歌
an impatient girl who screams like a psychopath who hates the whole world yet barely understands it maybe soon she will be free
短歌
here is another another chance for my life here is a new year a new year to start again to begin again, and live.
短歌
so I ran away to a world that cannot stay a world made of you a world that never felt true for it lies on us two
短歌
and it led me back got lost in manila too together with you and there we found peace and truth a night tailored for us two
短歌
I stopped and looked back why am I under attack? there I found myself teaching, while struggling to walk and there is no running now
短歌
so, what do I do? now that I know what is true? can I get a clue? or should I just wait for you? but who in the hell are you?
短歌
’til we meet again with this temporary pain and this long bright rain you told me to keep my sane because we will meet again
短歌
built myself from scratch just to fall back down again but I will not stop as I learn from all the pain I will smile, and start again
短歌
looking back, I see a colorless memory talking silently telling me that I should be the man that I dream to be
短歌
man, what should I do? how will I be free of you? is there a way out? or am I just not ready? to be who I really am?
短歌
close your eyes and see something you’ve been dreaming of then, open your eyes and take a look at the sky live like it is far from lies
短歌
and now I wake up with the same morning coffee same blue cigarette but different blue inside with tears still trying to hide
短歌
right behind the doors lies how true life was before just before it soars to reach life beneath the core it went right back to the floor
短歌
waiting for something something I really don’t know in this unknown realm I found who I really am forgot I waited for it
短歌
I want you to know I may have fallen before even crushed my core but I will put on a show for my very own last ride
短歌
run away from hue towards something you don’t know to a garden of symphonies and green roses a garden of all of hue
短歌
darling, wait for me baby, please hold me tightly tell me what you see in your heart, filled with questions is there future for us two?
短歌
I wish to be lost escape this world at all cost see the same old posts that saw my being at most a life that I lost
短歌
I heard, she returned I have to really admit I really missed her I still have this care for her after all this time
短歌
I decided to write what I have been dreaming not a tomorrow but the very yesterday that is far away
短歌
stuck in this small space barely seeing any light but all is alright it needs to, or else I’ll go somewhere I once was
短歌
looking for a place where I will be who I am not knowing a thing and there I found what I need when I was told to be me
短歌
so, where do I go? when I cannot fall asleep? I am tired of it but I have to keep going for life will soon be alright
短歌
I feel somewhat lost trying to move at all cost trying to escape the circle I got stuck with still fighting, not losing hope
短歌
so I lay outside looking at the very stars that knows who I am more than I even know me one day, maybe, I will be –
短歌
taken by my mind to a bay I always knew something from a dream screaming in serenity longing for it to be real
短歌
so I put aside all the things I should have done looking from outside to understand what I hide and why I set it aside
短歌
I look at myself and I see everyone else then I looked at you surrounded by this deep blue and I saw myself
短歌
a storm brewing in for months, it stayed deep within but now, it rages how long will this part go on? will I still live? and go on?
Chapter One : Almost Human a story of a man who is in a world filled with uncertainties as he tries to find out if he is something human.
Year, 2020 open your eyes, stop dreaming they’re all lies, stop screaming the past have passed the future is now present a curse wrapped as a gift a gift given to every peasant cars are still humbled images which the future defies the gravity crumpled the memories and the fantasies fly with its good byes
“where we’re going, we don’t need roads” because it’s all dust, debris all over the crust it’s all a bust, for men do it all for lust it’s all on us, why every gold is married with rust how can a society be so advance go backwards as it forwards? well, what do I know? this ain’t no place for a hero.
hopped on a train created by blood with every grain crowded by strangers of with varying pain with blank faces, and tears lost in the rain slaves of our own creations we are masters of no nations defined by a single quotation that leads to our own extinction what’s real, and what’s not doesn’t even mean a lot
a man created his equal his equal, unparalleled leaving his creator’s blood in every component, a flood this draws a line between you and I but as we talk look eye to eye there’s nothing left for me to do when you are much better with everything that I’m supposed to do
now, we’re all children of men as you show the cards on your deck hardly yours before but in our memories it is, for it is what you have you stored our stories will soon be Jurassic as yours park its writings on our attic soon you will be real and I will be the myth
I love how you show me the best As you bring the beast out of me as you put the rage in between what I could be but age seems to be in favour of your beauty I’m all alone until you came You made me feel something real while we’re in this reel I love you and I hate you for we are not the same
do you hear the symphony? from machines hitting its high gear the rhythm of humanity lost in the very serenity of a black water that was once clear now that a mirror is made between the two of us we cannot run anymore from the blade of an unknown trust
wake up it’s a new year they say still wearing the same tee as the memories stay what the fuck will be different today? I’m surrounded by them who are more human than me maybe maybe I’m going crazy I feel like an alien in my own reality
right now, it’s just me in this room of uncertainty it’s spreading, it’s taking over I don’t know what this means seems like it’s seeking for closure now, the water is coming out the spots reddening like somehow, someway it’s trying to shout but no one hears and no one sees but me. and only me.
it’s been three days but the tree stay the same dotted at almost every single frame is there a way out of this? can we stop it? Shit. I don’t know. my mind is filled with dots just like my skin my eyes are still wide open but can someone please, if you please wake me up from this fucking dream
now it feels like we’re slowly marrying our bed whenever I stand up I feel like I’m dead a word that was slashed by the sword of your truth all of this splashed because I took a bite from that fruit shoot here it goes again stop this fucking pain
where this leads is beyond our minds seems like a great topic for a symposium where this leads is beyond our hearts once the paranoia explodes there it begins the much awaited pandemonium
the wings of the dragons, humbled bathing with its own blood and the images of the past drowns my mind with a flood of tears married with my fears and my peers carry the spears that was once a part of me now they are apart from me I’m all alone and lonely
What are you? Who are you? your eyes materialized a hammer that broke the iced wall that blocks the fall of the stars that I always try to call what have you done? will you ever be gone? If not stay
if we can no longer play tag with time can we just live like there is no existence of crime? the rhyme stays with the time that says it’s time to do it before it is all too late forget the word quit remove it from your plate draw the skies with a rainbow where it doesn’t have any ending for it to overshadow hue with beds for one another
few more days left and it will all be over so take that step and start all over now it is all over no more words to use no more scenes for clues what more to write?
quiet listen to my actions look close your eyes to the tensions the time is heading to zero as the lights feel like people who were once here who we all used to hear
what’s happening? is it, could it be, is this the day you’ve been waiting for? but why is everything out of beat? if this is really the day am I ready for what’s in store?
WAIT. THE WRITINGS ARE RUNNING. SOMETHING IS COMING. IS THIS THE ONE WE ARE WAITING FOR?
the skies are painted with clouds from our mouth as the colors present the shroud from the south and what’s from the north shall see its rebirth for it is the rise of the living dead and the fall of the artificial in their proper beds
now, my eyes are on a mission as reality bends for the sake of someone’s fantasy the war within his thoughts the war he questions in his heart is now upon me in front of me am I ready for this?
united with the sun as the lights passes through everyone a silhouette rose from the thorns of the fishes with a hand signaling a “war for peace” and there it all goes. the MADE, faces their makers.
an hour and a half later a year of mistakes took over the reality finally kicks in that there are fantasies that lie from within now it is all a wasteland a life of unknown a world that stands and eventually falls
back at it again with stars falling from my eyes now, who will be the hero? If this place is not made for one? now, my chances are zero and the saviours are gone.
a day late for something not so great a poetry from someone who was once one a poetry from someone who is now no one.
with a pen and a paper what’s then, seems later everything about the past is now present to the future a breathing, yet coded creature turned out to be the catalyst that starts a new culture
the sickness, the darkness travelled faster than the light as the sun fade to nothingness forbidden to define the word bright with all the skyscrapers comes all these non-believers holding on to a faith of the past just so the economy will last
and then the lights came back to spotlight where the attack lasted for days those who won are still far from their winning ways losing the days that was once theirs sacrifice for victory lose for winning
there goes the teacup falling to the shadows of the unknown pushed by the words that I once have known oblivious of the fact that the true was a lie just before he could learn how to fly the teacup shatters.
the darkness caved in the pain slithered in like a snake whose venom caused a carnage revealing the parasite from within
Is the year right? For us to have so much light? most of our lives can barely turn bright as the venom flows in red water no matter what’s on your shoulder everything feels a lot heavier
the world witnessed a world that insisted to be born in between every thorn of a storm a new chapter will begin for a man who counts electric sheep after electric ship just for him to dream
days have passed he is still sitting on the same bed with the same woman trying to rewind the voices in his head a past that was present while he thinks of their future the last breath of lies and secrets define a culture from a scenery viewed as the one but a cloud of him being the only one
he stood up grabbed his coat and went to oblivion she stayed seeing her dreams deprived of any reason once the dream ended the vision closed a mission failed a world broken, broken again. she was left, all on her own.
the paths crossed again love and temptation blurred lines in ignition realizations after every misconception bodies are down faces filled with a frown a crying clown and a silent queen without a crown he returned to her delight now, will he ever leave? or, will he, continue to believe?
the clock is ticking, still. is there any time left? I still can’t remember was I, awake the whole September? what I feel is all a nightmare in the dark I saw her but here presence wasn’t there as I remain unaware of the revolution against the evolution of plastic silverware
his eyes talked his mind walked to the stories his eyes have told a river of life setting a date for death and he kisses the smoke from the dragon’s breath
the wasteland is looking for scavengers and his blade is enough for the runners fueled by redemption inspired by a realization that “reality is not reality itself” for artificial is where no natural is left
the view of the evening images of selling visuals of a beginning but the ending is left behind in the dust of mankind for the world will now be inhabited by the superior kind.
the breeze that he once showered the water he once breathes the truth the he once lied about is all a lie with a truth inside and out
Is it worth fighting for? Altered memories, is that really what’s in store? the shade of every color the front is entirely different in its core is the past genuine? when it is written by ink by the very ink filled with lies
the stars lined up in his eyes constellations of dead beings hotter when in blue everything fits like his own shoe how can something be so beautiful from afar would be so close in being the reason for your very last scar
play the game before it plays you say my name before it speaks you for a name is not an identity even the tongue of his mother remembers, but decided to forget how to even bother
travelled across the roads of highs and lows with loads on his shoulder eyes that breaths like a river swimming in the flood for what is in store even if in the end a treasure is unsure
NO INK. IN A WINK. WHAT WAS ONCE ONE. IS. NOW. ALL. GONE.
with all the voices in my head the smoke breathing in my lungs the pain swimming in my heart how the fuck am I still alive?
Smile? Frown? what’s the difference? if it’s all done by the mask rather than a straight face a face whose phase is out of pace and pasted now I’m wasted
words of a man that grew as an artificial with realism that was once beneficial a life form, so to speak with punctuations forgotten whenever they speak
almost forgot been through heaven and hell simultaneously gave all that I have and now I’m in a world that is just a crack of reality is the time running out for me?
my eyes flowed with every drop of the rain lost in time, with every rise of the pain when the chances lose its number what more is there to remember? should I still hang on to this thread? a thread sharper than a knife? or is this or is this my life?
poisoned by pleasure devoured by pressure caught on act and suddenly forgot how to act if only I could take it back if only I could, but, tick tock doesn’t ring backwards for any clock and the trick clock lost all of its magic
what more to say when words will never ever find a way to say why I feel this way just. please. don’t take her away.
reunited joy. stories. for a moment when it’s time to go back I found myself under attack. 56 | E l r a y A l c a n t a r a when will we quit again? when there is no more chance for an again there are no more reasons to continue time to say goodbye to what was once you go while there is still a little bit of color of what was once you.
LIGHTS OUT. EVERYDAY. EVERYDAY. LIGHTS OUT. coins overpopulate my pockets time is creating keyless lockets what more to do what more to say need to see the patient. . . . . to find signs if there’s any left of my patience.
shuffle before you stumble crumple the paper before the poems crumble or forever be lost in the bubble cards of misdirection and challenges live better think it through before you get stuck before you become unable to leave for victory needs proof before you learn to believe
AND WHAT SHOULD I WRITE I CANNOT SEE LIGHT
a paradise of imagination for a price lesser than the incarnation brought to you by a story yet to be unknown a story that was once unknown willing to kill just to feel guilt just to feel alive just feel that he isn’t a clone.
the light has returned the flies are now burned the giant wins against the dark the light returned but what will happen next to the bulb that only works at night?
His words returned for another chance will this be it? or will this be another hit? this is the last page of the story about a man that is almost human realizing everything after fighting his demons and returning to His creator
the view in the afternoon after a long bike ride towards Manila
Is everyone still here? I’m sorry but I really don’t know how to open this blog after months of being missing in action. To those who might be wondering, let me share my story from July to today.
July has, and still is the most melancholic month for me. During this month, I lost my uncle, and I almost lost my dad who spent one month and a week confined in the hospital alone. At the same time, half of my family members who live in the same space as us (including my mom and my sister) got the virus.
I was really broken, bothered, and lost. July started what I could possibly consider as the time for me to have no choice but be an adult and take responsibility in order for our family to keep going.
What makes this month grueling is the fact that it also was the beginning of our school year.
I really had no other choice but to be someone else from being a 20 year old man, who is afraid to wake up every day, into someone who is strong and optimistic so I could make ends meet.
All of that led to the making of my second zine entitled as HUMAN. It was something that I cannot really finish at that time due to the lack of motivation and inspiration. But once I felt like falling apart, I finally understood what it is to be human. And I decided to put all of that in my art, in my life.
I started studying Digital Art back in April and fully committed to it by August
What started out as a random hobby, became a means to help out my family. By august, we really needed to save funds in order to help pay my dad’s hospital bills.
It was an outstanding amount even if there were already a lot of discounts from various cards subtracted to the outstanding amount.
With the help of family, friends, colleagues, and strangers, we managed to pay most of the balance to get my dad out of the hospital after a month and week of stay there.
August was really long, it felt like July and August lasted for two years instead of just two months.
I rarely sleep enough, so I could grind artwork commissions and school works.
I pushed myself to be the best version of myself every single time for my kids while deep inside I really felt like quitting at times. But man, I survived.
the view during the evening of my 21st birthday
By mid September, I already managed to finish all the artwork commissions and started working on my yearly journey of making a short film.
It was a frustrating, grueling, yet rewarding process of over thinking and putting it in the simplest way possible in order to tell a compelling story even with a minimal dialogue.
My brother told me that making it seem like it was inspired by a silent film would be pretty cool, so I decided to make it filtered by blue and the others will be black and white to tell a story represented by three colors.
I really pushed myself to have a mindset that is more positive and less toxic than I used to. And to be honest, it’s been a wild ride.
Struggling due to not finding the connection that I used to have, the freedom to feel better by going out, and all that are forever gone.
It will never be like what it used to be.
I understand, even though it really took me a while to get myself into this position of accepting what’s at hand while still pushing myself to excel even with the limitations that is the pandemic.
all will be alright, in time.
Whenever there is a chance for me to cycle in the afternoon, I always make sure that it will be worth all the troubles.
Most days, I just stare at myself thinking how can I do better. A handful of days show a much better view of who I am now.
To the point that I had a couple of successive breakdowns that no one really know.
I feel insecure, I feel unwanted, I feel alone, and I feel like I have nothing left to do.
Until…
my uncle’s bike
I’m currently writing this after “asking for help”, after sending a message to one of my close friends, and she randomly started a video call and even though I didn’t say what’s really happening, our random chat managed to bring me out of another night where I can’t breathe.
My heart was beating so fast as my anxiety kicks in.
For the first time in my life, I managed to really talk myself down to seek professional help in the near future.
Today is World Mental Health Day.
And I am not going to be that guy who will say that “You can do it, because you can”.
I will say, that “You can do it, you are not alone”.
It’s hard man, I decided to lose most of my social media accounts so I could really learn how to compose myself better.
At the same time, I left group chats where I felt invisible. To be honest, that was the reason why my heart raced earlier. I was always opening topics to talk about and all that, but no one bothers to continue talking to me. And I saw that after I left, they were more active than before. It’s tough man, I wanted to cry. But I really don’t know how. It is by that instant, after months of pretending it was okay for me, that it wasn’t.
I still love them, I still do. They were there for me before when I was barely there for myself. I wish I could have told them that I need help, but yeah, I actually said I’m struggling. But that’s that.
–
This leads me to you, whoever you are. Thank you.
My story is about a man, who is struggling, who feels alone, a man from manila.
I know for a fact that we all have stories we wish to say, or tell. Stories that we can barely speak of.
“life finds a way”
With all my heart, I want you to know that you need to rest your heart. To take it step by step. What’s happening is ugly, and it can get uglier. But that doesn’t mean that we can be a little pretty every now and then.
For I believe that all these flaws that we get to see about ourselves will soon wash away, as soon as we learn to accept it.
Because if we continue to look for the end of the rainbow after every rain, we forget to see and appreciate how wonderful and life-changing those colors in the sky are.
We are already asked to wear masks, no need to put on another one.
This is quite a different entry to all of my blog posts ever since I created this page.
If you managed to see some of my work, all of them, or even one of them, I just want to say thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
All throughout my year as someone who fully committed to his art, I really feel grateful. Even when it takes a lot of time where I just hate myself so much to the point that I decide to stop doing things that I used to love.
I’m writing this one, to speak about something that I really want to talk about for so long.
I feel empty, and sometimes, like today, I feel so terrible to the point that I could barely stand or sit up straight. My hands were shaking, and I just wish to be gone, even just for a minute.
The world right now is falling apart. The pandemic, the deaths, the corrupt leaders, and the community as a whole are not in the same page.
It’s been almost three months since the last time that I managed to go out and take my usual quiet time at my favorite coffee shop.
At this point, there are times where I tell myself that the world is bigger than what is happening with me. But then I realized, if I keep pushing myself out, and pretend that I’m alright while everything else falls apart, I’m going to lose myself again.
I just had a random chat with someone earlier, and I got the usual “don’t you have any friends? lol”.
Yes, I do have friends. I didn’t judge that person, because we barely know each other. It woke me up to the fact that, yes I do have friends, but that’s it.
Hear me out, there’s a reason for this different kind of blog from me. And the very reason is that, I do have friends. And I tried, tried a lot of times to be heard.
But like I said, everything is falling apart. That’s why even if I really can’t keep myself together, I understand why I could barely express myself with them.
At a time where I needed to be with someone, I truly feel that I need to be alone.
I wish and hope I could still go quiet in the night. Sipping my favorite coffee, staring at the moon and stars, far from where I am now.
But I’m here, stuck in a situation no one asked for, trying to figure out what else to do in order to heal myself.
It sucks that I cannot read a book anymore, no matter how hard I try.
It sucks that I cannot write a poem anymore, no matter how hard I try.
It sucks that I cannot go for a night walk anymore, no matter how hard I wish.
But I have to keep going. I need to. I need to save myself.
The world may be a million times bigger than me, the world could care less about where I’m at.
But I will still keep going.
I will crumble
I will fall apart
but one day
just not today
I will pick up the pieces
one by one
I will return
as someone better.
And hey, for those who feel something similar, I just want to tell you, you are not alone.
We may not know each other, but remember that I understand you.
We will figure this out. Let’s take a break.
We are not stopping. We are just taking a pause.
Stop neglecting what is inside you, no more pretending.
All will be alright, in time.
Until we all meet again, in poetry, in art, or in person.
I can see the stars reflect on your face as the waves and night put it all in place I have never felt peace while I’m in blue that was my case until my world found you –
Do you ever get that feeling of blue while listening to a song from the rising sun?
Throughout the past few months, I tend to wake up as early as four and simply stay outside of our house as I wait for my coffee to get a little colder. Most of the time, I listen to a cycle of songs as I stare blankly at the sky before dawn.
If you managed to read my entry for last month, I have clearly shown how much I admire Cowboy Bebop. With regards to that, I always play this song “See you space cowboy” which is the song during the credits for the last episode of the said animated series.
I have this weird thing in me wherein I keep the translations off and never really bothered to know the lyrics of foreign songs. I tend to listen to such songs as what they are, and give my own meaning or interpretation of it.
But one morning, I decided to read the comments of the video and there I found what I thought I will never need. Stories, various stories from strangers who just like me, had their own interpretation of the song. As I listen to it day by day, I learn more and more about this song that connected souls who are far away from each other.
I envision this song as an anthem for what peace feels like.
All my life, I always give my best to take risks that will allow me to feel alive. Looking back, I understood why I fell in love with Cowboy Bebop in the first place.
There I realized that I am somewhat stuck in a dream that I am still in no matter how many times I wake up or sleep. The struggles and repeated emotions that I feel all throughout at work, and even at home were really something that I am getting used to.
I tried to look at it, and find ways to pretend that I am alright all the time. Because if I don’t, others that depend on me will also suffer. And I don’t want such thing to happen to anyone that I care about.
Everyday felt like an episode of Bebop, where in it starts loud, and ends to a much melancholic goodnight with “The Real Folk Blues”.
At school, I always feel frustrated, sometimes disrespected. It took me a while to notice, that I was looking at the wrong side of teaching after all. I forgot that I should be calm, I forgot that I should be strong. I was unable to control my classes, because I myself failed to control my life.
In a weird way, I actually saw an opportunity to carry on after I had this nightmare that something struck my throat. It was the 28th day of February, my oath taking ceremony with regards to my teaching license. I was sick, but there I realized that it is time to wake up.
And as I lay at my bed the whole 29th of February, I realized that I should really take care of myself. I even asked myself, “if you have an extra day, what will you do with it?” Of course I don’t want to spend it all in my bed while I am sick.
And there the “see you space cowboy” kicks in. For the first time, I decided to find out what it really meant. For some reason, it made all things much clearer to me.
There I realized why I empathize with Spike in the first place. He was a man who just lives his life directionless after he lost his everything, in the form of Julia. But once she came back, and died, he realized that he’s got nothing to lose, that’s why he killed Vicious knowing that he will die doing so.
Spike decided to simply tie all the loose ends in order to honor Julia’s death. That’s why when the end credits song changed from “the real folk blues” to “see you space cowboy”, it tells a story of a man who finally found peace.
In light of such realization, I figured that I still have a lot of time left. And I do not want to be like Spike. I woke up in the reality that there is more to one thing in life, that there is always hope to carry on. I am typing this journal, march 12, and I am blessed to say that I managed to carry on.
What I want to say really is that, just like the moon, we won’t see it fully all the time. But to think of it, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. Like hope, sometimes we don’t see it, sometimes we only see glimpses, but we have to remember that it is there. For everything will be alright in time.
I can’t believe or even feel that January is now yesterday. January finally ended, and what a first month it was to be honest. For better and for worse, everything’s somewhat complicated especially with all the things that took place outside of my control.
And there I was, trying not to think much about things, and focused only on my business.
from the other side
I had a month. A month filled with every bit of everything.
For the past two weeks, I’ve been questioning my skills and well-being with regards to where I’m at right now. For the first time in a long time, I felt somewhat disappointed of myself. Somewhat unsure with tomorrow. Sometimes I just go home after work and stare blankly for a while before I decide to go to sleep and skip dinner.
Then, somehow, I managed to push myself to slowly take care of myself. I really suck at it. I still fail, but I’m still trying to do so.
I thought after finding peace, it will go on. But life really just hits you because it needs to.
Yesterday starring Himesh Patel and directed by Danny Boyle
I finished this month by watching the film “Yesterday”, directed by Danny Boyle.
There I realized that, there are risks that I needed to take in order to live my life.
Looking back, the whole month is everything that will define me tomorrow.
harbor square – this ship took us far away
I managed to take the risks and opened my heart out to the person that I always wanted to talk to. We went out, and all the pain and uncertainty that I kept were finally answered. It made me look at that person, the way she is, imperfect, still in blue, but on her way to be better.
I used to look at her and think nothing but the fact that I like her back in our college days. I can’t quite understand the way she treated me, hated her for it, until that very day.
I finally understood why she keeps herself far from people. And when we stared blankly at the harbor, I finally saw the truth that’s been there all along.
The truth that she’s a part of me now, not what I wanted before, but a part of me that I need now, and tomorrow.
We got lost in manila, the way I used to dream about it, way before being right next to her was possible. Before we parted ways while I was next to her as I escorted her to her destination, it got me to think.
This might be the last time that I’ll ever see her, but it was more than enough.
She was the Summer that lasted for a year. I knew from the beginning that we’re supposed to be just friends from the very beginning, but I somehow looked past it and expected way more. But as the months passed, I finally realized the madness. But there’s this par of me that wanted to hear the truth directly from her.
And now that I have it, I walk this earth with more love for myself, and the understanding that I shouldn’t look the other way.
Maybe that’s the lesson for this month, to have courage and begin again. Not just in that standpoint, but for my entire life.
In a few days, or maybe weeks, my faith will be decided in my workplace. But whatever happens, I will not let it break me. I will use the courage that I never had until now to live today, and tomorrow, as the person who is on his way to fulfill what the stars have been leading him to.
So that’s my January, the catalyst, the beginning, and the peace that made me more human.
To say that 2019 is a perfect year is hard to prove.
This is Elray, Elray Patrick G. Alcantara of December 31 2019 writing to you.
I know there are some who are somewhat irritated with year-end reviews, stories, but let me just say, even I am sick of it. Yet here I am, writing one. Because I realized something that I overlooked for the past couple of days.
Before I fully express myself, let me take you to a brief summary of what happened this year.
January, it is the start of the “resolutions” thing and art projects per month. Unfortunately, just like most, I failed to continue after a few days. Basically, there are things that I sought to do, to stop, and continue. But I failed to. Looking back, I was a bit disappointed with myself. Still, I managed to be distracted with the beginning of the last chapters of my college life that I forgot how messed up I was during this time.
February, there’s nothing more or less that I could say about this month. I managed to date the girl that I’ve been dreaming of since I started college. There may be some other time to tell this story, but I just can’t explain the emotions that I have during that time. We are going out as friends, and as it should. There are days in this month that I wish I could repeat or simply watch again. The first date, the best 214 I have ever had so far, and the nights at Laguna. Growing up as a boy of the city from a lower-middle class family, I never had the chance or opportunity to even see the shore, or a lake. And with that, I will forever be in debt to DOST for everything that I have experienced and received as one of their scholars. What made it better is the fact that I’m with three of my closest friends in my life. We were distant, but this trip managed to bring us back together and watch a million stars for the first time. Our souls were taken by the breeze of the night, and made whole by the view of a timeless evening.
March, the month that I took a step closer in finding out who I am supposed to be. This was a hard month, requirements and the over thinking regarding my status, whether I’ll graduate or not. And what made everything so much more than I could be thankful for, is the very fact that I found out that I was graduating at the exact same time as the job fair in our school. I took a quick photo for my resume and the rest is history. I attended my first proper job interview at CSA and I asked for one shot, one opportunity, to seize the moment, and damn I captured it. I found out that I was hired at the exact same day of our torch ceremony, and I look at it as a day that made me. That I am alive, that I am now going to a world that I never knew.
By April, it still is as dull as most of my summer. We can’t afford to even go for a beach or out of town, so most of the days were just me and my poems and sometimes, my night walks that defined this month.
May was the beginning of the seminars and training at CSA, and at the same time our LET review. This month was so tiring and draining due to the fact that I never had a single rest day for myself. But what made it so much more is the fact that it is also the month where we started to work on our Red Mass presentation. I am beyond grateful to this day to be the co-writer and director of it, and by the time that we presented it in June, all the frustrations and stress were rewarded by an experience like no other.
June and July is pretty much a hard but necessary part of the process in becoming the teacher that I am today. I was adjusting, not only with the teaching aspect, but also with my sleeping patterns. For four years, I sleep for almost five hours a day most of the time due to over thinking and requirements. It was tough, but I managed to find a way out of it because I need to.
July is also rewarding because I managed to date my friends and give back to my family, without thinking of the budget and just have fun. The happiness that I felt during this month continued up to this day. July is somewhat my renaissance, and by the start of August comes my renaissance art.
I finally managed to do a monthly art challenge that I give myself in the form of “Melancholy”, a collection of poems that are straight from my core, and there is nothing more rewarding than to finally appreciate my work together with my friends and family.
This continued by August as I released my second (last as of the moment) collection of art in the form of “Kataga”. And what came after August is the most surreal and best month of the entire year.
September, yes! My birth month. For the first time ever, I can look back at September not asking to wake up, but to keep dreaming. I managed to check a ton of my bucket list during the entire month. Most notably, my Tagaytay escape from September 21 to 22. Looking back at that day, I just feel enormous amount of peace that I have been looking for so long and somehow, some way, that’s not just it. I also managed to have my first demo presentation and the LET exam the week after. I just want to note here, I am STRESSED OUT DURING THAT WEEK. Not only was I sick asf, I also had a lot of pressure and thoughts heading to the following days. But just like most of my story here, it is all rewarding.
By October, November, and December, I managed to go out with my friends and even have meaningful coffee dates with myself while producing memories and poems that I am so proud of. It is really impossible to list all the great things that happened in the last three months, but damn I am really so happy for every bit of it.
Okay, I know I said short but that was so long. Forgive me for that but here’s my point.
In 2019, I graduated, lived my dreams, landed my first job (and what a wonderful job it is), and most importantly, I managed to be the person that I am supposed to be.
Yes there were hurdles, tough times, people that left, and things that went the other way.
But that’s life. That’s what life is supposed to be. Now I understand why I need to share this. Not to brag, but to help you, if ever there is anyone reading this, that “everything will be alright in time”.
Yes, that is actually the same lyric that she sang to me before I even knew that the song is “Leaves” by Ben & Ben. She’s out there somewhere, lost, but soon she will find herself like I did.
“New year, New me” sounds corny, but it shouldn’t be. It all starts with you, with yourself. For years, I doubted my skills in art and teaching, and by taking the risks that I did this year and waiting for the right moment, I managed to become the person that I am supposed to be.
So hey, you there my friend. If 2019 of yours is nothing like mine (for better or worse), you do not have to be sad. Life works this way. The moment you start living your life is the moment you accept who you are right now. You do not need and should never compare yourself to others. Okay, I know this is so long already but if you’re still here, let me take you to classroom during my demo teaching for CSA last March.
There’s this topic in Math called “Permutation” which refers to the arrangement of objects. I presented it this way in my motivation activity and I hope even by just reading this, you guys will be motivated.
It should be understood that there are different permutations for all of us.
Example, I was born, studied, graduated, worked, and in the future I plan on getting my Master’s and Doctor’s degree before settling down.
While there are some who chose to study again right after they graduated. Others may even work before they graduate due to circumstances beyond their control.
But at the end of the day, you should realize this. There is always a time for everything. Every day, Every hour, every minute, and every second is an opportunity for us to fulfill our dreams. You just have to look deep within you, remember that God is always with you, your family is with you, your friends are with you, and most importantly, you are with you.
Your time will come, just be patient, and start it by knowing who you are. The journey is long, and your stay in the destination may be short, but it is all worth it. Do not give up on your dreams, do not give up with you life, and most importantly, do not give up on yourself.
“burning in the skies” – photographed and heavily edited by yours truly
2018 is quite possibly the heaviest year that I have carried so far in my life. From revelations of truths that I once hoped to be lies, and black holes that almost devoured me alive.
Heading to the first month of this year, no matter how many resolutions I had written for myself, I knew for a fact during that time that it will take a miracle to turn the wheels around.
Let’s get this straight, if ever this journal reached you, there’s a chance that I probably have no idea about you, and in the same juncture, you probably have no idea about me either. But that’s not the point of this entry/ies. What I am trying to do here is for myself, to reflect about the things that happened this year. At the same time, I’m doing this for you. Yes, you. The one that’s reading this. Maybe by reading these journals, there’s a thing or two that you can take away from it. I hope there is any to be honest with you. I somehow managed to work on my goal in life, and that is to share things in order to help others. Maybe this is also part of that.
ANYWAY, back to January.
Study wise, this month was the start of what could possibly the hardest part of my college life. This is coming from someone who slept almost fifty percent of the time. I was awake all throughout January, thanks to kopiko browns and dark chocolate chips from cbtl. (sponsor me pls lol)
We managed to FINALLY defend our thesis after months of rescheduling. This month also marked the start of my fruitful second/last practice teaching at Manuel G. Araullo High School. And speaking of second, this month also included the start of my second take/chance with Calculus III. I’ve been a very, very, very responsible student that’s why I’m taking that course twice. (spoiler: I was awake the whole time during the first one that’s why I took it again. 🙂 )
What actually made this month so much more than I realize is the very fact that I managed to finish my first novel. Yes, you get that right. A novel. And what novel am I talking about? You never heard of it? Oh, you’re blessed. HAHAHAHAHAH lol
To be honest, I was that guy back then who was afraid and hated his work so much to the point that he just shelved almost everything. But this time, I think it’s the best time to somehow promote it. Well, to be honest it still feels raw but I think it makes it so much more. In case you are intrigued, or you don’t have anything to do this Christmas vacation, you may read it here: https://www.wattpad.com/story/200601929-destination
cover of my first novel “Destination”, the first of the planned Undefined Terms trilogy.
YES. Okay, I hope my students won’t see this lol.
Speaking of novels, I am actually blessed with all the time that I had during the first few months of this year. Specially during January. Nowadays, I could barely read a book. But January actually was the month that I managed to read two books that I really loved. First, Ubik is so freaking badass and mind blowing. I want to talk about it, but I’d rather talk about what could possibly be the best book that I’ve read so far.
“The Alchemist” by Paulo Coehlo. The book is not just a collection of words and thoughts in my eyes, for me, it is a collection of heavenly bodies that managed to explode into a galaxy that helped in conspiring a life that I am still in awe to look at.
This is my view, my reflection of January. But that doesn’t mean I was happy all throughout that month. I was in that position in my life, not knowing where to go and what to do. Even when I am surrounded by beautiful souls that I learned to appreciate more after that month, I still felt so alone.
Until I watched Cowboy Bebop.
an illustration (by yours truly) of Spike from the anime “Cowboy Bebop”
Okay, I don’t want to sound weird but that anime changed my life. In what sense? Well I somehow felt that I wasn’t alone. I saw myself in Spike, the main protagonist of the critically acclaimed anime. As the episodes progress, it eventually showed that Spike is someone who is brushing off what people feel, even though he feels the same way. Acting strong enough but when the past returned to his vision, from a drifting bounty hunter, he became a man on a mission. I saw in Spike the weight that I carried all these years, and that just like him, if I have a chance to feel alive, I would go and take it, even when my life is the price.
No sight of heaven as days like this gets longer * days as dark as the nights without the mooooonn days as long as our fights
can we just end it soooonn
what does your stars
tell you to do?
how many more scars
should we go through?
tell me to go home
and I’ll follow you
for I am home
whenever I’m with you
soon, meteors will shower
worlds that we don’t even know
but hey, as long as we’re together
I know we can make it through —
*
days as dark as the nights
without the mooooonn
days will soon be as bright
as the sun during noooonn
I hope the universe conspires for us two I hope that we can make it through I hope that you feel joy that is true I hope that I’ll be in the galaxy within you
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Your Name: A Love Letter to Traditions and Belief
Your Name is a Japanese animated fantasy film written and directed by Makoto Shinkai. The story follows a high school girl named Mitsuha from Itomori (a fictional province in Japan) and Taki, a high school boy from Tokyo who started switching bodies one month before the comet takes full appearance in the horizon.
To fully understand the twist and turns of this film, there are scenes and terms that we need to put into notice. Such terms and scenes were threaded in a way that makes Your Name not just an unconventional love story between two people. It becomes so much more, to the point that it can be seen as metaphor, a love letter by Shinkai to Japanese traditions and belief.
First things first, if you haven’t watched the film, major spoilers ahead.
First, let’s start with the setting. Itomori was formed 1200 years ago (0887) when a meteor fell from the sky. And ever since then, Mitsuha’s ancestors have been partaking on a tradition. This includes knotting of threads and the ritual that involves the creation of the kuchikamisake.
There’s a scene in the film in which mitsuha’s grandmother said that the meaning behind their tradition is unknown, but traditions are traditions, and it’s their way in giving thanks to their ancestors.
But, there is also a certain trait that’s being passed on from one generation of miyamizu to the other. And that is the ability to dream of someone else’s life. There are beliefs in Japan that dreams are not owned by the dreamers.
Hayao Kawai, stated on his excerpt entitled as “Dreams, Myths, and Fairy tales in Japan” that we can look as dreams like a butterfly who happens to fly into a garden, that garden being our dreams. He also included in his excerpt the story of Chuang Tzu and the butterfly, where he had a dream that he became a butterfly. This dream upon waking up, lead him to wonder whether the dream is about a human who happened to dream of being a butterfly, or a butterfly who had dreamt of being a human. This raised the question:
“Can it be that my whole life is someone else’s dream?”
It was revealed by the film’s third act that Mitsuha’s grandmother and mother experienced such thing when they were at Mitsuha’s age. This lead to the big revelation that the very reason as to why they are doing all these traditions is to prepare for the day of the destruction of Itomori by the same comet that formed it 1200 years ago. This was revealed through a news flash in the film, stating that the comet has an orbital period of 1200 years.
This in turn gives the movie a full circle. In line with this, Comets have fascinated the eyes of people during ancient times and in turn, this brought a lot of beliefs as to what such phenomenon brings.
As stated on an article by Eve MacDonald entitled as “How Ancient Cultures explained comets and Meteors”, there are beliefs that the arrival of a comet is sign that something good or bad is about to happen.
And in this case, the comet brought both to the equation. The bad thing being the end of Itomori, and the good thing on the other hand is the formation and the salvation of the people who live in Itomori.
I mentioned the term full circle, due to a specific reason. But before that, let’s go to our next topic regarding knotting.
The beliefs that they have with threads and knotting helped in making me conclude that this film is indeed Shinkai’s love letter to Japanese traditions and beliefs.
At the first act of the film, it was revealed by Mitsuhas grandmother that tying threads is called Musubi. And regarding Musubi, it also pertains to a local guardian god, knotting, taking something in (like drinking and eatong), and most importantly, time itself.
To fully visualize my interpretation of the film, let’s take Mitsuha as a thread, and Taki being another thread parallel to Mitsuha’s. And as a future math educator, it is indeed impossible for two parallel lines to intersect. And this is also is the case with Taki and Mitsuha. So, how were they able to connect with one another if they are switching places with one another, in different timelines?
There enters another thread that tied them together, this third thread being, the comet itself.
So, how did the comet tied two people of separate timelines together?
By the third act of the film, Taki decided to go to the body of miyamizu and there he drank Mitsuha’s kuchikamisake, which is dubbed as Half of Mitsuha. I want to appreciate a little detail that I noticed in the film. During Taki’s quest in finding Mitsuha, you can see that he is wearing a half moon tshirt. And once he drank the kuchikamisake, he was able to go back in time and in Mitsuha’s body. It somehow gave me the impression that ever since Taki was unable to connect with Mitsuha, he was incomplete, and Mitsuha makes Taki’s life complete.
Anyway, in turn, he asked for one last chance to return to Mitsuha’s body and save the people of Itomori. This is the part where the animation of the film further supports my interpretation. Taki slipped after drinking the kuchikamisake, and just before he fell to the ground, the flash on his phone showed a drawing of a comet splitting into pieces drawn inside the cave.
And this drawing of the comet was masterfully and intentionally animated by shinkai and his crew before a montage of mitsuha’s life started. The comet was flowing, and suddenly it is animated into a thread, and eventually into an umbilical cord.
This in turn explained that the ancestors of Mitsuha that witnessed the appearance of the comet 1200 years ago also saw the future. This is where the fantasy part of the film kicks in. This in a way, gave the Miyamizus to pass this “dreaming of someone else’s life” characteristic to a female descendant one generation after another up to Mitsuha.
This can also be seen as to what traditions are, that they are being done and passed on not for the sake of it, but to also carry on certain traits and knowledge from the ancestors.
The last part that I would like to discuss fully is my favorite scene from this film, the Tasokare/Twilight scene. It was discussed at the first act of the film during Mitsuha’s class that there are beliefs about twilight as to which someone might encounter something beyond human or understanding during it.
And that something beyond understanding is when Mitsuha and Taki saw each other face to face in Taki’s time. This twilight scene gave me goose bumps and it was amazingly built, from before they see on another, up to the point that they went back to their respective bodies. Two separate timelines meeting one another as they returned to each other’s body.
This separates Your Name from films of the same premise. Instead of simply switching bodies due to a certain phenomena, Makoto Shinkai decided to fill in the gaps of the Film’s plot through the use of traditions and beliefs.
The film’s final sequence showed Taki and Mitsuha meeting one another in a now iconic sequence five years after the comet struck Itomori. And the film ended with a cliff-hanger where they asked for each others’ name.
So what happens now?
My take is that they probably ended up together because of another detail from the film. The red string that Mitsuha gave Taki during their first meeting is probably familiar to those who’ve heard of the red string of faith. That being a belief from Japan in which two people are connected by an invisible red string, and that somehow someway they will find and affect each other’s life.
The reason why they forgot about their names and the events that surrounded the comet is the fact that the circle is done. The knot is over. Earlier I used the threads as a symbolism for Taki, Mitsuha and the comet. After they’ve done what they were supposed to do, the knot is all tied up.
But this red string that connected them all through-out led them back to one another, after they both searched and longed for someone from a long forgotten dream.
“Lost in Manila” tells a lot of stories based on the nostalgic atmosphere brought by the city of Manila. – In celebration of Manila day this 24th of June, Lost in Manila can be looked at as a love letter to the city. Manila is not perfect, but the hopes and dreams it holds is something to behold. – Manila is home to the community that lives in the city, and the people who happen to be there while finding their way to a place they can call home. – Thus, the second possible meaning of Lost in Manila was born. It can be looked at as a love letter to the people who came from different cities and provinces who happen to be in the same city as you. Dreaming to be someone, or just as lost as you are. – As for me, I was lost for a long time until I found myself when they found me. To all the people I met, who left, who changed me for the better, and those who stayed with me to this day, until we meet again. – Maybe one day, we can finally runaway, and get lost in manila once again. – alternate links: – Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwXDQVjQmnY – Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/the-unknown-388442016/lost-in-manila
– Here’s the thing, the story of this piece is about my love for the night. Before the pandemic happened, I always make time to put my earphones on, listen to my favorite songs, and walk all over the city for an hour. – Such thing was my way of finding peace in the midst of the noise from college and even when I started working. – The title is based upon the film “where the wild things are” and the film “nightcrawler”. Although, the ideas of the story is not that close to the films mentioned. – The story is more about the things that only stays during the night, and chosen to be forgotten the next day. It is not necessarily talking about a one night stand, but more about getting lost with someone’s thoughts, maybe even having the idea that it’s just the two of you in the world. – But at the end of it all, it just doesn’t work out well. Like the night, where the night crawlers are tells the story of a life seen during the moonlight, beautiful, but not all the time.
Okay, can I be really honest for a moment? Kasi, I do not have any idea on what the poem means for hue. – Here’s the thing, all of my works, the meanings of them are literally changing especially when I get questions every now and then. – The very reason is that, I simply forgot. I mean, I’m no “writer” compared to those who have published their poems, but I’ve written thousands of poems in almost ten years that I just can’t help but forget things. – In a way, that became the idea for the re imagining of hue. Hue is of course referring to colors, and at the same time the mood of a person. In this case, hue is one of the three artworks in melancholia that has colors other than black and white. It’s an artistic decision that I made that probably will be unnoticed. But the point is, in the midst of the dark, we can find color. 🙂
– Among the poems in this upcoming re imagination of the magazine, longing is one of my stories that was barely changed yet with the use of different words, it may be dealing with different topics and what not. – One of my main reason for remaking my magazines is the dream of sharing thru an actual magazine one day. That’s why I had to make sure that everything looks decent and is me. – Two years ago, what I have been longing for is a person to save me from what I have been feeling. But now, I do feel like the one I’m longing for may or may not be someone else. Maybe all these years, what I have been truly longing for is myself.
The last part of the first chapter deals with questions. Questions that I will never know what the answers are.
One of the most difficult thing that I have ever done with my life is cutting ties with a lot of people. It is something that’s been really difficult to me.
I have always been the person who gets pointed at every time such thing happened. Labelling me as someone who leaves once he gets what he wants.
A lie that was truth the eyes of those who don’t know me. I lived with it, didn’t fought any of it. It was a difficult situation for me as such events haunted me for years. I was trying to move forward, yet the past won’t let me.
That was the case before. Now, I finally understand that I have to let go of things or people that are not healthy for me. There are times that such people even have parts of them in me, but such parts won’t matter if it keeps falling apart. That’s why I have to hold on to them, move on, and be the man I am supposed to be.
It’s been a difficult journey for me to connect with others, I get frustrated and even hate myself for always being alone. Yet in the midst of all that, I realized that it wasn’t bad after all.
Yes, I still wonder about those people that aren’t here with me anymore. But in such thoughts, there is no negative emotions left, but of gratitude.
I do hope that the light, no matter how dim or strong, will lead them to a life that they dream of.
As for me, I may have lost my spark in communicating with others, but I am grateful and blessed to have a handful of people who stayed and without them even knowing, helping me become the best version of myself.
As for love? I do not know if there will be another chapter for it in my life. I do have someone that I admire, but I do not know how to connect. Maybe one day I will, maybe one day I won’t.
– The chapter before was “where are you” and what comes next in the story is this one. The first time that I wrote this poem, it was title as “the end, maybe the end”. – As I was trying to understand the concept, I realized that it is no longer a maybe, but it was a definite end. – This is again, based on my experiences, and it actually took me a while to finally get to end it. The sketch here is a digitalized version of her sketch on one of my notebooks during the last time that I saw her. – To set the story straight, I was over her by mid 2019, but she suddenly came back out of nowhere and I can’t help but wonder why. That’s why I asked if I could see her so we could talk. And on that day of January 2020, we managed to clear things out as we sip our coffees, and enjoy what we have. – There wasn’t really any romantic thing about it, it’s more of a one sided story filled with frustrations. It was through finally communicating clearly, that emotions of such weight were lifted. There are still two poems that I wrote for her, one that is a conclusion of this story, while the other is part of my second zine Human. – What made it hard to forget her was all the what ifs and why, and when she gave me the answers, I wasn’t devastated, I was happy. Because I am no longer carrying the weight of my thoughts. – We still talked after that, but nothing more than friends. And it worked, for a while. We have random chats every once in a while, until we had to move on our separate lives. – the last part will be released tomorrow 🙂
– “where are you?” – The first few chapters of my magazine is filled with poetry and stories straight from my experiences. Where are you is the first of three poems dedicated to the girl that I liked during college. – To make the story short, she was the first girl that I liked at that time. It was a crazy roller coaster and we only managed to really talk three years after we first met. I’ve been out of other relationships and wasn’t really looking forward to anything until we somehow crossed paths during our off-campus teaching. – The first two times that we went out was something that I will never forget. It was a dream. Then just like every other dream, it has to end. – This artwork is actually a sketch based on one of Lisa’s IG post. So yeah, black pink in your area I guess 😂 – But what makes this poem different is that, I decided not to change the story, instead I changed lines that would make this story as the beginning of the end. – Where are you is a story about a person who thoughtt that everything is going his way, until a goodbye that didn’t even say so happened. – Is it called ghosting? HAHAHAHAHA But anyway, I can’t share the full story yet, tomorrow is the next chapter. 🙂
– Lose myself tells a story about two people who thought that they found what they are looking for in each other. – The artwork is a digitalized version of my sketch based on the indie-film “Ang kuwento nating dalawa”. – To say the least, it is based on my struggles with past relationships that I could barely understand at the time that I wrote the poem. – The main reason as to why I decided to re tell Melancholia, is for me to fully understand where I was, where I am now, and where I should go. – One of the common themes of the whole zine is all about heart breaks, and longing for something. – I have to admit, it’s been three years since I last dated someone, two years since I last tried to go ask someone out. In those years in between, I hated myself and even lost the drive to move forward. But it was through all that pain that I realized maybe the reason why such relationships didn’t work is because we are not meant to be, and we are just preparing each other for the next step. – I joked around that maybe it was all me, since the people that got out of my life are now doing better. That was a sad way of looking at it before. – But now, one thing is for sure. If God will let me have another shot to fall in love again, I can guarantee that I will no longer lose myself.
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