Welcome to a new beginning for this blog, or whatever this is called. Haha. LOL. Man, I don’t want to sound like a professional or whatever, I just want to keep this me.
I always wanted having monthly reflections/journal every end of the month. What a way to start it with this, a journal that makes me question, “is it okay to use this time for this?”
Well, yes. I have tons of work to prepare for, other concerns. But having time for things that I really like doing, which I will share in a minute, keeps me sane and content in the midst of the pandemonium around us.
January is a great way to start this year. Yes, it is far from perfect. It is actually complicated, draining, but I never looked the other way. I faced it all with all of me. I am continuing to teach myself of things that I already know, yet it took me just now to apply.
I fully committed on writing journals, reading, taking videos, writing poems, sketching, and exercising every now and then. Everything takes a long time to do all in all, but it is indeed necessary to do such activities to keep me motivated and content.
And with that being said, here are some poems that I will share. Before that, I would like to say that I will share ALL of them in the future. I write haikus everyday, and tankas + tanagas every week.
For now, here are the Tankas that I was able to write for the month of January.
We begin again
as colors fill the night sky
all the light, the pain
just so we could learn to fly
in the midst of these tough times
Week One
where all these roads lead
starting from the very seed
planted from afar
keep pushing, keep dreaming on
grow as the man you dream of
Week Two
go and let it burn
not for you to change your turn
but for you to go
be the light in this darkness
before you fade all the way
Week Three
ride against the wind
feel the breeze of what is left
inhale what you need
exhale what makes your smile lost
and be who you are freely
Week Four
Those are the poems that I can share so far, and as mentioned earlier, I also started sketching. At the same time, I decided to improve such artwork through digitalizing them. Here are some of my works for this month featuring KPOP sensations Red Velvet, BTS, and Black Pink.
SEULGI
IRENE
YERI
JOY
WENDY
JUNGKOOK
JIMIN
TAEHYUNG
SUGA
NAMJOON
J HOPE
JIN
JENNIE
ROSE
LISA
JISOO
Before I say good bye, I also went back to reading books. I managed to finish reading Meditations, and now I’m in the midst of reading Valis.
If there is one thing that I can take away from this month, it’s that I have to do my duty as a human being and be content with myself. Yes, there are times where I long for admiration, but slowly but surely, I am learning more about what I can do, and things that are in right that also makes me happy.
As long as you are not hurting anyone, just do you, do what’s right, do what makes you happy.
the view in the afternoon after a long bike ride towards Manila
Is everyone still here? I’m sorry but I really don’t know how to open this blog after months of being missing in action. To those who might be wondering, let me share my story from July to today.
July has, and still is the most melancholic month for me. During this month, I lost my uncle, and I almost lost my dad who spent one month and a week confined in the hospital alone. At the same time, half of my family members who live in the same space as us (including my mom and my sister) got the virus.
I was really broken, bothered, and lost. July started what I could possibly consider as the time for me to have no choice but be an adult and take responsibility in order for our family to keep going.
What makes this month grueling is the fact that it also was the beginning of our school year.
I really had no other choice but to be someone else from being a 20 year old man, who is afraid to wake up every day, into someone who is strong and optimistic so I could make ends meet.
All of that led to the making of my second zine entitled as HUMAN. It was something that I cannot really finish at that time due to the lack of motivation and inspiration. But once I felt like falling apart, I finally understood what it is to be human. And I decided to put all of that in my art, in my life.
I started studying Digital Art back in April and fully committed to it by August
What started out as a random hobby, became a means to help out my family. By august, we really needed to save funds in order to help pay my dad’s hospital bills.
It was an outstanding amount even if there were already a lot of discounts from various cards subtracted to the outstanding amount.
With the help of family, friends, colleagues, and strangers, we managed to pay most of the balance to get my dad out of the hospital after a month and week of stay there.
August was really long, it felt like July and August lasted for two years instead of just two months.
I rarely sleep enough, so I could grind artwork commissions and school works.
I pushed myself to be the best version of myself every single time for my kids while deep inside I really felt like quitting at times. But man, I survived.
the view during the evening of my 21st birthday
By mid September, I already managed to finish all the artwork commissions and started working on my yearly journey of making a short film.
It was a frustrating, grueling, yet rewarding process of over thinking and putting it in the simplest way possible in order to tell a compelling story even with a minimal dialogue.
My brother told me that making it seem like it was inspired by a silent film would be pretty cool, so I decided to make it filtered by blue and the others will be black and white to tell a story represented by three colors.
I really pushed myself to have a mindset that is more positive and less toxic than I used to. And to be honest, it’s been a wild ride.
Struggling due to not finding the connection that I used to have, the freedom to feel better by going out, and all that are forever gone.
It will never be like what it used to be.
I understand, even though it really took me a while to get myself into this position of accepting what’s at hand while still pushing myself to excel even with the limitations that is the pandemic.
all will be alright, in time.
Whenever there is a chance for me to cycle in the afternoon, I always make sure that it will be worth all the troubles.
Most days, I just stare at myself thinking how can I do better. A handful of days show a much better view of who I am now.
To the point that I had a couple of successive breakdowns that no one really know.
I feel insecure, I feel unwanted, I feel alone, and I feel like I have nothing left to do.
Until…
my uncle’s bike
I’m currently writing this after “asking for help”, after sending a message to one of my close friends, and she randomly started a video call and even though I didn’t say what’s really happening, our random chat managed to bring me out of another night where I can’t breathe.
My heart was beating so fast as my anxiety kicks in.
For the first time in my life, I managed to really talk myself down to seek professional help in the near future.
Today is World Mental Health Day.
And I am not going to be that guy who will say that “You can do it, because you can”.
I will say, that “You can do it, you are not alone”.
It’s hard man, I decided to lose most of my social media accounts so I could really learn how to compose myself better.
At the same time, I left group chats where I felt invisible. To be honest, that was the reason why my heart raced earlier. I was always opening topics to talk about and all that, but no one bothers to continue talking to me. And I saw that after I left, they were more active than before. It’s tough man, I wanted to cry. But I really don’t know how. It is by that instant, after months of pretending it was okay for me, that it wasn’t.
I still love them, I still do. They were there for me before when I was barely there for myself. I wish I could have told them that I need help, but yeah, I actually said I’m struggling. But that’s that.
–
This leads me to you, whoever you are. Thank you.
My story is about a man, who is struggling, who feels alone, a man from manila.
I know for a fact that we all have stories we wish to say, or tell. Stories that we can barely speak of.
“life finds a way”
With all my heart, I want you to know that you need to rest your heart. To take it step by step. What’s happening is ugly, and it can get uglier. But that doesn’t mean that we can be a little pretty every now and then.
For I believe that all these flaws that we get to see about ourselves will soon wash away, as soon as we learn to accept it.
Because if we continue to look for the end of the rainbow after every rain, we forget to see and appreciate how wonderful and life-changing those colors in the sky are.
We are already asked to wear masks, no need to put on another one.
Do you ever get that feeling of blue while listening to a song from the rising sun?
Throughout the past few months, I tend to wake up as early as four and simply stay outside of our house as I wait for my coffee to get a little colder. Most of the time, I listen to a cycle of songs as I stare blankly at the sky before dawn.
If you managed to read my entry for last month, I have clearly shown how much I admire Cowboy Bebop. With regards to that, I always play this song “See you space cowboy” which is the song during the credits for the last episode of the said animated series.
I have this weird thing in me wherein I keep the translations off and never really bothered to know the lyrics of foreign songs. I tend to listen to such songs as what they are, and give my own meaning or interpretation of it.
But one morning, I decided to read the comments of the video and there I found what I thought I will never need. Stories, various stories from strangers who just like me, had their own interpretation of the song. As I listen to it day by day, I learn more and more about this song that connected souls who are far away from each other.
I envision this song as an anthem for what peace feels like.
All my life, I always give my best to take risks that will allow me to feel alive. Looking back, I understood why I fell in love with Cowboy Bebop in the first place.
There I realized that I am somewhat stuck in a dream that I am still in no matter how many times I wake up or sleep. The struggles and repeated emotions that I feel all throughout at work, and even at home were really something that I am getting used to.
I tried to look at it, and find ways to pretend that I am alright all the time. Because if I don’t, others that depend on me will also suffer. And I don’t want such thing to happen to anyone that I care about.
Everyday felt like an episode of Bebop, where in it starts loud, and ends to a much melancholic goodnight with “The Real Folk Blues”.
At school, I always feel frustrated, sometimes disrespected. It took me a while to notice, that I was looking at the wrong side of teaching after all. I forgot that I should be calm, I forgot that I should be strong. I was unable to control my classes, because I myself failed to control my life.
In a weird way, I actually saw an opportunity to carry on after I had this nightmare that something struck my throat. It was the 28th day of February, my oath taking ceremony with regards to my teaching license. I was sick, but there I realized that it is time to wake up.
And as I lay at my bed the whole 29th of February, I realized that I should really take care of myself. I even asked myself, “if you have an extra day, what will you do with it?” Of course I don’t want to spend it all in my bed while I am sick.
And there the “see you space cowboy” kicks in. For the first time, I decided to find out what it really meant. For some reason, it made all things much clearer to me.
There I realized why I empathize with Spike in the first place. He was a man who just lives his life directionless after he lost his everything, in the form of Julia. But once she came back, and died, he realized that he’s got nothing to lose, that’s why he killed Vicious knowing that he will die doing so.
Spike decided to simply tie all the loose ends in order to honor Julia’s death. That’s why when the end credits song changed from “the real folk blues” to “see you space cowboy”, it tells a story of a man who finally found peace.
In light of such realization, I figured that I still have a lot of time left. And I do not want to be like Spike. I woke up in the reality that there is more to one thing in life, that there is always hope to carry on. I am typing this journal, march 12, and I am blessed to say that I managed to carry on.
What I want to say really is that, just like the moon, we won’t see it fully all the time. But to think of it, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. Like hope, sometimes we don’t see it, sometimes we only see glimpses, but we have to remember that it is there. For everything will be alright in time.
To say that 2019 is a perfect year is hard to prove.
This is Elray, Elray Patrick G. Alcantara of December 31 2019 writing to you.
I know there are some who are somewhat irritated with year-end reviews, stories, but let me just say, even I am sick of it. Yet here I am, writing one. Because I realized something that I overlooked for the past couple of days.
Before I fully express myself, let me take you to a brief summary of what happened this year.
January, it is the start of the “resolutions” thing and art projects per month. Unfortunately, just like most, I failed to continue after a few days. Basically, there are things that I sought to do, to stop, and continue. But I failed to. Looking back, I was a bit disappointed with myself. Still, I managed to be distracted with the beginning of the last chapters of my college life that I forgot how messed up I was during this time.
February, there’s nothing more or less that I could say about this month. I managed to date the girl that I’ve been dreaming of since I started college. There may be some other time to tell this story, but I just can’t explain the emotions that I have during that time. We are going out as friends, and as it should. There are days in this month that I wish I could repeat or simply watch again. The first date, the best 214 I have ever had so far, and the nights at Laguna. Growing up as a boy of the city from a lower-middle class family, I never had the chance or opportunity to even see the shore, or a lake. And with that, I will forever be in debt to DOST for everything that I have experienced and received as one of their scholars. What made it better is the fact that I’m with three of my closest friends in my life. We were distant, but this trip managed to bring us back together and watch a million stars for the first time. Our souls were taken by the breeze of the night, and made whole by the view of a timeless evening.
March, the month that I took a step closer in finding out who I am supposed to be. This was a hard month, requirements and the over thinking regarding my status, whether I’ll graduate or not. And what made everything so much more than I could be thankful for, is the very fact that I found out that I was graduating at the exact same time as the job fair in our school. I took a quick photo for my resume and the rest is history. I attended my first proper job interview at CSA and I asked for one shot, one opportunity, to seize the moment, and damn I captured it. I found out that I was hired at the exact same day of our torch ceremony, and I look at it as a day that made me. That I am alive, that I am now going to a world that I never knew.
By April, it still is as dull as most of my summer. We can’t afford to even go for a beach or out of town, so most of the days were just me and my poems and sometimes, my night walks that defined this month.
May was the beginning of the seminars and training at CSA, and at the same time our LET review. This month was so tiring and draining due to the fact that I never had a single rest day for myself. But what made it so much more is the fact that it is also the month where we started to work on our Red Mass presentation. I am beyond grateful to this day to be the co-writer and director of it, and by the time that we presented it in June, all the frustrations and stress were rewarded by an experience like no other.
June and July is pretty much a hard but necessary part of the process in becoming the teacher that I am today. I was adjusting, not only with the teaching aspect, but also with my sleeping patterns. For four years, I sleep for almost five hours a day most of the time due to over thinking and requirements. It was tough, but I managed to find a way out of it because I need to.
July is also rewarding because I managed to date my friends and give back to my family, without thinking of the budget and just have fun. The happiness that I felt during this month continued up to this day. July is somewhat my renaissance, and by the start of August comes my renaissance art.
I finally managed to do a monthly art challenge that I give myself in the form of “Melancholy”, a collection of poems that are straight from my core, and there is nothing more rewarding than to finally appreciate my work together with my friends and family.
This continued by August as I released my second (last as of the moment) collection of art in the form of “Kataga”. And what came after August is the most surreal and best month of the entire year.
September, yes! My birth month. For the first time ever, I can look back at September not asking to wake up, but to keep dreaming. I managed to check a ton of my bucket list during the entire month. Most notably, my Tagaytay escape from September 21 to 22. Looking back at that day, I just feel enormous amount of peace that I have been looking for so long and somehow, some way, that’s not just it. I also managed to have my first demo presentation and the LET exam the week after. I just want to note here, I am STRESSED OUT DURING THAT WEEK. Not only was I sick asf, I also had a lot of pressure and thoughts heading to the following days. But just like most of my story here, it is all rewarding.
By October, November, and December, I managed to go out with my friends and even have meaningful coffee dates with myself while producing memories and poems that I am so proud of. It is really impossible to list all the great things that happened in the last three months, but damn I am really so happy for every bit of it.
Okay, I know I said short but that was so long. Forgive me for that but here’s my point.
In 2019, I graduated, lived my dreams, landed my first job (and what a wonderful job it is), and most importantly, I managed to be the person that I am supposed to be.
Yes there were hurdles, tough times, people that left, and things that went the other way.
But that’s life. That’s what life is supposed to be. Now I understand why I need to share this. Not to brag, but to help you, if ever there is anyone reading this, that “everything will be alright in time”.
Yes, that is actually the same lyric that she sang to me before I even knew that the song is “Leaves” by Ben & Ben. She’s out there somewhere, lost, but soon she will find herself like I did.
“New year, New me” sounds corny, but it shouldn’t be. It all starts with you, with yourself. For years, I doubted my skills in art and teaching, and by taking the risks that I did this year and waiting for the right moment, I managed to become the person that I am supposed to be.
So hey, you there my friend. If 2019 of yours is nothing like mine (for better or worse), you do not have to be sad. Life works this way. The moment you start living your life is the moment you accept who you are right now. You do not need and should never compare yourself to others. Okay, I know this is so long already but if you’re still here, let me take you to classroom during my demo teaching for CSA last March.
There’s this topic in Math called “Permutation” which refers to the arrangement of objects. I presented it this way in my motivation activity and I hope even by just reading this, you guys will be motivated.
It should be understood that there are different permutations for all of us.
Example, I was born, studied, graduated, worked, and in the future I plan on getting my Master’s and Doctor’s degree before settling down.
While there are some who chose to study again right after they graduated. Others may even work before they graduate due to circumstances beyond their control.
But at the end of the day, you should realize this. There is always a time for everything. Every day, Every hour, every minute, and every second is an opportunity for us to fulfill our dreams. You just have to look deep within you, remember that God is always with you, your family is with you, your friends are with you, and most importantly, you are with you.
Your time will come, just be patient, and start it by knowing who you are. The journey is long, and your stay in the destination may be short, but it is all worth it. Do not give up on your dreams, do not give up with you life, and most importantly, do not give up on yourself.
“burning in the skies” – photographed and heavily edited by yours truly
2018 is quite possibly the heaviest year that I have carried so far in my life. From revelations of truths that I once hoped to be lies, and black holes that almost devoured me alive.
Heading to the first month of this year, no matter how many resolutions I had written for myself, I knew for a fact during that time that it will take a miracle to turn the wheels around.
Let’s get this straight, if ever this journal reached you, there’s a chance that I probably have no idea about you, and in the same juncture, you probably have no idea about me either. But that’s not the point of this entry/ies. What I am trying to do here is for myself, to reflect about the things that happened this year. At the same time, I’m doing this for you. Yes, you. The one that’s reading this. Maybe by reading these journals, there’s a thing or two that you can take away from it. I hope there is any to be honest with you. I somehow managed to work on my goal in life, and that is to share things in order to help others. Maybe this is also part of that.
ANYWAY, back to January.
Study wise, this month was the start of what could possibly the hardest part of my college life. This is coming from someone who slept almost fifty percent of the time. I was awake all throughout January, thanks to kopiko browns and dark chocolate chips from cbtl. (sponsor me pls lol)
We managed to FINALLY defend our thesis after months of rescheduling. This month also marked the start of my fruitful second/last practice teaching at Manuel G. Araullo High School. And speaking of second, this month also included the start of my second take/chance with Calculus III. I’ve been a very, very, very responsible student that’s why I’m taking that course twice. (spoiler: I was awake the whole time during the first one that’s why I took it again. 🙂 )
What actually made this month so much more than I realize is the very fact that I managed to finish my first novel. Yes, you get that right. A novel. And what novel am I talking about? You never heard of it? Oh, you’re blessed. HAHAHAHAHAH lol
To be honest, I was that guy back then who was afraid and hated his work so much to the point that he just shelved almost everything. But this time, I think it’s the best time to somehow promote it. Well, to be honest it still feels raw but I think it makes it so much more. In case you are intrigued, or you don’t have anything to do this Christmas vacation, you may read it here: https://www.wattpad.com/story/200601929-destination
cover of my first novel “Destination”, the first of the planned Undefined Terms trilogy.
YES. Okay, I hope my students won’t see this lol.
Speaking of novels, I am actually blessed with all the time that I had during the first few months of this year. Specially during January. Nowadays, I could barely read a book. But January actually was the month that I managed to read two books that I really loved. First, Ubik is so freaking badass and mind blowing. I want to talk about it, but I’d rather talk about what could possibly be the best book that I’ve read so far.
“The Alchemist” by Paulo Coehlo. The book is not just a collection of words and thoughts in my eyes, for me, it is a collection of heavenly bodies that managed to explode into a galaxy that helped in conspiring a life that I am still in awe to look at.
This is my view, my reflection of January. But that doesn’t mean I was happy all throughout that month. I was in that position in my life, not knowing where to go and what to do. Even when I am surrounded by beautiful souls that I learned to appreciate more after that month, I still felt so alone.
Until I watched Cowboy Bebop.
an illustration (by yours truly) of Spike from the anime “Cowboy Bebop”
Okay, I don’t want to sound weird but that anime changed my life. In what sense? Well I somehow felt that I wasn’t alone. I saw myself in Spike, the main protagonist of the critically acclaimed anime. As the episodes progress, it eventually showed that Spike is someone who is brushing off what people feel, even though he feels the same way. Acting strong enough but when the past returned to his vision, from a drifting bounty hunter, he became a man on a mission. I saw in Spike the weight that I carried all these years, and that just like him, if I have a chance to feel alive, I would go and take it, even when my life is the price.
IllegalBroTV 