annihilation

The last part of the first chapter deals with questions. Questions that I will never know what the answers are.

One of the most difficult thing that I have ever done with my life is cutting ties with a lot of people. It is something that’s been really difficult to me.

I have always been the person who gets pointed at every time such thing happened. Labelling me as someone who leaves once he gets what he wants.

A lie that was truth the eyes of those who don’t know me. I lived with it, didn’t fought any of it. It was a difficult situation for me as such events haunted me for years. I was trying to move forward, yet the past won’t let me.

That was the case before. Now, I finally understand that I have to let go of things or people that are not healthy for me. There are times that such people even have parts of them in me, but such parts won’t matter if it keeps falling apart. That’s why I have to hold on to them, move on, and be the man I am supposed to be.

It’s been a difficult journey for me to connect with others, I get frustrated and even hate myself for always being alone. Yet in the midst of all that, I realized that it wasn’t bad after all.

Yes, I still wonder about those people that aren’t here with me anymore. But in such thoughts, there is no negative emotions left, but of gratitude.

I do hope that the light, no matter how dim or strong, will lead them to a life that they dream of.

As for me, I may have lost my spark in communicating with others, but I am grateful and blessed to have a handful of people who stayed and without them even knowing, helping me become the best version of myself.

As for love? I do not know if there will be another chapter for it in my life. I do have someone that I admire, but I do not know how to connect. Maybe one day I will, maybe one day I won’t.

whatever happens, happens.

the end, finally the end

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The chapter before was “where are you” and what comes next in the story is this one. The first time that I wrote this poem, it was title as “the end, maybe the end”.
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As I was trying to understand the concept, I realized that it is no longer a maybe, but it was a definite end.
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This is again, based on my experiences, and it actually took me a while to finally get to end it. The sketch here is a digitalized version of her sketch on one of my notebooks during the last time that I saw her.
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To set the story straight, I was over her by mid 2019, but she suddenly came back out of nowhere and I can’t help but wonder why. That’s why I asked if I could see her so we could talk. And on that day of January 2020, we managed to clear things out as we sip our coffees, and enjoy what we have.
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There wasn’t really any romantic thing about it, it’s more of a one sided story filled with frustrations. It was through finally communicating clearly, that emotions of such weight were lifted. There are still two poems that I wrote for her, one that is a conclusion of this story, while the other is part of my second zine Human.
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What made it hard to forget her was all the what ifs and why, and when she gave me the answers, I wasn’t devastated, I was happy. Because I am no longer carrying the weight of my thoughts.
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We still talked after that, but nothing more than friends. And it worked, for a while. We have random chats every once in a while, until we had to move on our separate lives.
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the last part will be released tomorrow 🙂

where are you

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“where are you?”
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The first few chapters of my magazine is filled with poetry and stories straight from my experiences. Where are you is the first of three poems dedicated to the girl that I liked during college.
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To make the story short, she was the first girl that I liked at that time. It was a crazy roller coaster and we only managed to really talk three years after we first met. I’ve been out of other relationships and wasn’t really looking forward to anything until we somehow crossed paths during our off-campus teaching.
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The first two times that we went out was something that I will never forget. It was a dream. Then just like every other dream, it has to end.
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This artwork is actually a sketch based on one of Lisa’s IG post. So yeah, black pink in your area I guess 😂
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But what makes this poem different is that, I decided not to change the story, instead I changed lines that would make this story as the beginning of the end.
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Where are you is a story about a person who thoughtt that everything is going his way, until a goodbye that didn’t even say so happened.
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Is it called ghosting? HAHAHAHAHA But anyway, I can’t share the full story yet, tomorrow is the next chapter. 🙂