January: New Beginnings, and Start of Endings.

Welcome to a new beginning for this blog, or whatever this is called. Haha. LOL. Man, I don’t want to sound like a professional or whatever, I just want to keep this me.

I always wanted having monthly reflections/journal every end of the month. What a way to start it with this, a journal that makes me question, “is it okay to use this time for this?”

Well, yes. I have tons of work to prepare for, other concerns. But having time for things that I really like doing, which I will share in a minute, keeps me sane and content in the midst of the pandemonium around us.

January is a great way to start this year. Yes, it is far from perfect. It is actually complicated, draining, but I never looked the other way. I faced it all with all of me. I am continuing to teach myself of things that I already know, yet it took me just now to apply.

I fully committed on writing journals, reading, taking videos, writing poems, sketching, and exercising every now and then. Everything takes a long time to do all in all, but it is indeed necessary to do such activities to keep me motivated and content.

And with that being said, here are some poems that I will share. Before that, I would like to say that I will share ALL of them in the future. I write haikus everyday, and tankas + tanagas every week.

For now, here are the Tankas that I was able to write for the month of January.

We begin again

as colors fill the night sky

all the light, the pain

just so we could learn to fly

in the midst of these tough times

Week One

where all these roads lead

starting from the very seed

planted from afar

keep pushing, keep dreaming on

grow as the man you dream of

Week Two

go and let it burn

not for you to change your turn

but for you to go

be the light in this darkness

before you fade all the way

Week Three

ride against the wind

feel the breeze of what is left

inhale what you need

exhale what makes your smile lost

and be who you are freely

Week Four

Those are the poems that I can share so far, and as mentioned earlier, I also started sketching. At the same time, I decided to improve such artwork through digitalizing them. Here are some of my works for this month featuring KPOP sensations Red Velvet, BTS, and Black Pink.

Before I say good bye, I also went back to reading books. I managed to finish reading Meditations, and now I’m in the midst of reading Valis.

If there is one thing that I can take away from this month, it’s that I have to do my duty as a human being and be content with myself. Yes, there are times where I long for admiration, but slowly but surely, I am learning more about what I can do, and things that are in right that also makes me happy.

As long as you are not hurting anyone, just do you, do what’s right, do what makes you happy.

See you when I see you 🙂

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where I’m at

This is quite a different entry to all of my blog posts ever since I created this page.

If you managed to see some of my work, all of them, or even one of them, I just want to say thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

All throughout my year as someone who fully committed to his art, I really feel grateful. Even when it takes a lot of time where I just hate myself so much to the point that I decide to stop doing things that I used to love.

I’m writing this one, to speak about something that I really want to talk about for so long.

I feel empty, and sometimes, like today, I feel so terrible to the point that I could barely stand or sit up straight. My hands were shaking, and I just wish to be gone, even just for a minute.

The world right now is falling apart. The pandemic, the deaths, the corrupt leaders, and the community as a whole are not in the same page.

It’s been almost three months since the last time that I managed to go out and take my usual quiet time at my favorite coffee shop.

At this point, there are times where I tell myself that the world is bigger than what is happening with me. But then I realized, if I keep pushing myself out, and pretend that I’m alright while everything else falls apart, I’m going to lose myself again.

I just had a random chat with someone earlier, and I got the usual “don’t you have any friends? lol”.

Yes, I do have friends. I didn’t judge that person, because we barely know each other. It woke me up to the fact that, yes I do have friends, but that’s it.

Hear me out, there’s a reason for this different kind of blog from me. And the very reason is that, I do have friends. And I tried, tried a lot of times to be heard.

But like I said, everything is falling apart. That’s why even if I really can’t keep myself together, I understand why I could barely express myself with them.

At a time where I needed to be with someone, I truly feel that I need to be alone.

I wish and hope I could still go quiet in the night. Sipping my favorite coffee, staring at the moon and stars, far from where I am now.

But I’m here, stuck in a situation no one asked for, trying to figure out what else to do in order to heal myself.

It sucks that I cannot read a book anymore, no matter how hard I try.

It sucks that I cannot write a poem anymore, no matter how hard I try.

It sucks that I cannot go for a night walk anymore, no matter how hard I wish.

But I have to keep going. I need to. I need to save myself.

The world may be a million times bigger than me, the world could care less about where I’m at.

But I will still keep going.

I will crumble

I will fall apart

but one day

just not today

I will pick up the pieces

one by one

I will return

as someone better.

And hey, for those who feel something similar, I just want to tell you, you are not alone.

We may not know each other, but remember that I understand you.

We will figure this out. Let’s take a break.

We are not stopping. We are just taking a pause.

Stop neglecting what is inside you, no more pretending.

All will be alright, in time.

Until we all meet again, in poetry, in art, or in person.

I will not say goodbye, I will be back.

Sincerely,

Elray

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February: Half Moons

Do you ever get that feeling of blue while listening to a song from the rising sun?

Throughout the past few months, I tend to wake up as early as four and simply stay outside of our house as I wait for my coffee to get a little colder. Most of the time, I listen to a cycle of songs as I stare blankly at the sky before dawn.

If you managed to read my entry for last month, I have clearly shown how much I admire Cowboy Bebop. With regards to that, I always play this song “See you space cowboy” which is the song during the credits for the last episode of the said animated series.

I have this weird thing in me wherein I keep the translations off and never really bothered to know the lyrics of foreign songs. I tend to listen to such songs as what they are, and give my own meaning or interpretation of it.

But one morning, I decided to read the comments of the video and there I found what I thought I will never need. Stories, various stories from strangers who just like me, had their own interpretation of the song. As I listen to it day by day, I learn more and more about this song that connected souls who are far away from each other.

I envision this song as an anthem for what peace feels like.

All my life, I always give my best to take risks that will allow me to feel alive. Looking back, I understood why I fell in love with Cowboy Bebop in the first place.

There I realized that I am somewhat stuck in a dream that I am still in no matter how many times I wake up or sleep. The struggles and repeated emotions that I feel all throughout at work, and even at home were really something that I am getting used to.

I tried to look at it, and find ways to pretend that I am alright all the time. Because if I don’t, others that depend on me will also suffer. And I don’t want such thing to happen to anyone that I care about.

Everyday felt like an episode of Bebop, where in it starts loud, and ends to a much melancholic goodnight with “The Real Folk Blues”.

At school, I always feel frustrated, sometimes disrespected. It took me a while to notice, that I was looking at the wrong side of teaching after all. I forgot that I should be calm, I forgot that I should be strong. I was unable to control my classes, because I myself failed to control my life.

In a weird way, I actually saw an opportunity to carry on after I had this nightmare that something struck my throat. It was the 28th day of February, my oath taking ceremony with regards to my teaching license. I was sick, but there I realized that it is time to wake up.

And as I lay at my bed the whole 29th of February, I realized that I should really take care of myself. I even asked myself, “if you have an extra day, what will you do with it?” Of course I don’t want to spend it all in my bed while I am sick.

And there the “see you space cowboy” kicks in. For the first time, I decided to find out what it really meant. For some reason, it made all things much clearer to me.

There I realized why I empathize with Spike in the first place. He was a man who just lives his life directionless after he lost his everything, in the form of Julia. But once she came back, and died, he realized that he’s got nothing to lose, that’s why he killed Vicious knowing that he will die doing so.

Spike decided to simply tie all the loose ends in order to honor Julia’s death. That’s why when the end credits song changed from “the real folk blues” to “see you space cowboy”, it tells a story of a man who finally found peace.

In light of such realization, I figured that I still have a lot of time left. And I do not want to be like Spike. I woke up in the reality that there is more to one thing in life, that there is always hope to carry on. I am typing this journal, march 12, and I am blessed to say that I managed to carry on.

What I want to say really is that, just like the moon, we won’t see it fully all the time. But to think of it, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. Like hope, sometimes we don’t see it, sometimes we only see glimpses, but we have to remember that it is there. For everything will be alright in time.

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