Tag: cowboy bebop

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February: Half Moons

Do you ever get that feeling of blue while listening to a song from the rising sun?

Throughout the past few months, I tend to wake up as early as four and simply stay outside of our house as I wait for my coffee to get a little colder. Most of the time, I listen to a cycle of songs as I stare blankly at the sky before dawn.

If you managed to read my entry for last month, I have clearly shown how much I admire Cowboy Bebop. With regards to that, I always play this song “See you space cowboy” which is the song during the credits for the last episode of the said animated series.

I have this weird thing in me wherein I keep the translations off and never really bothered to know the lyrics of foreign songs. I tend to listen to such songs as what they are, and give my own meaning or interpretation of it.

But one morning, I decided to read the comments of the video and there I found what I thought I will never need. Stories, various stories from strangers who just like me, had their own interpretation of the song. As I listen to it day by day, I learn more and more about this song that connected souls who are far away from each other.

I envision this song as an anthem for what peace feels like.

All my life, I always give my best to take risks that will allow me to feel alive. Looking back, I understood why I fell in love with Cowboy Bebop in the first place.

There I realized that I am somewhat stuck in a dream that I am still in no matter how many times I wake up or sleep. The struggles and repeated emotions that I feel all throughout at work, and even at home were really something that I am getting used to.

I tried to look at it, and find ways to pretend that I am alright all the time. Because if I don’t, others that depend on me will also suffer. And I don’t want such thing to happen to anyone that I care about.

Everyday felt like an episode of Bebop, where in it starts loud, and ends to a much melancholic goodnight with “The Real Folk Blues”.

At school, I always feel frustrated, sometimes disrespected. It took me a while to notice, that I was looking at the wrong side of teaching after all. I forgot that I should be calm, I forgot that I should be strong. I was unable to control my classes, because I myself failed to control my life.

In a weird way, I actually saw an opportunity to carry on after I had this nightmare that something struck my throat. It was the 28th day of February, my oath taking ceremony with regards to my teaching license. I was sick, but there I realized that it is time to wake up.

And as I lay at my bed the whole 29th of February, I realized that I should really take care of myself. I even asked myself, “if you have an extra day, what will you do with it?” Of course I don’t want to spend it all in my bed while I am sick.

And there the “see you space cowboy” kicks in. For the first time, I decided to find out what it really meant. For some reason, it made all things much clearer to me.

There I realized why I empathize with Spike in the first place. He was a man who just lives his life directionless after he lost his everything, in the form of Julia. But once she came back, and died, he realized that he’s got nothing to lose, that’s why he killed Vicious knowing that he will die doing so.

Spike decided to simply tie all the loose ends in order to honor Julia’s death. That’s why when the end credits song changed from “the real folk blues” to “see you space cowboy”, it tells a story of a man who finally found peace.

In light of such realization, I figured that I still have a lot of time left. And I do not want to be like Spike. I woke up in the reality that there is more to one thing in life, that there is always hope to carry on. I am typing this journal, march 12, and I am blessed to say that I managed to carry on.

What I want to say really is that, just like the moon, we won’t see it fully all the time. But to think of it, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. Like hope, sometimes we don’t see it, sometimes we only see glimpses, but we have to remember that it is there. For everything will be alright in time.

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January: “you are going to carry that weight”

“burning in the skies” – photographed and heavily edited by yours truly

2018 is quite possibly the heaviest year that I have carried so far in my life. From revelations of truths that I once hoped to be lies, and black holes that almost devoured me alive.

Heading to the first month of this year, no matter how many resolutions I had written for myself, I knew for a fact during that time that it will take a miracle to turn the wheels around.

Let’s get this straight, if ever this journal reached you, there’s a chance that I probably have no idea about you, and in the same juncture, you probably have no idea about me either. But that’s not the point of this entry/ies. What I am trying to do here is for myself, to reflect about the things that happened this year. At the same time, I’m doing this for you. Yes, you. The one that’s reading this. Maybe by reading these journals, there’s a thing or two that you can take away from it. I hope there is any to be honest with you. I somehow managed to work on my goal in life, and that is to share things in order to help others. Maybe this is also part of that.

ANYWAY, back to January.

Study wise, this month was the start of what could possibly the hardest part of my college life. This is coming from someone who slept almost fifty percent of the time. I was awake all throughout January, thanks to kopiko browns and dark chocolate chips from cbtl. (sponsor me pls lol)

We managed to FINALLY defend our thesis after months of rescheduling. This month also marked the start of my fruitful second/last practice teaching at Manuel G. Araullo High School. And speaking of second, this month also included the start of my second take/chance with Calculus III. I’ve been a very, very, very responsible student that’s why I’m taking that course twice. (spoiler: I was awake the whole time during the first one that’s why I took it again. 🙂 )

What actually made this month so much more than I realize is the very fact that I managed to finish my first novel. Yes, you get that right. A novel. And what novel am I talking about? You never heard of it? Oh, you’re blessed. HAHAHAHAHAH lol

To be honest, I was that guy back then who was afraid and hated his work so much to the point that he just shelved almost everything. But this time, I think it’s the best time to somehow promote it. Well, to be honest it still feels raw but I think it makes it so much more. In case you are intrigued, or you don’t have anything to do this Christmas vacation, you may read it here: https://www.wattpad.com/story/200601929-destination

cover of my first novel “Destination”, the first of the planned Undefined Terms trilogy.

YES. Okay, I hope my students won’t see this lol.

Speaking of novels, I am actually blessed with all the time that I had during the first few months of this year. Specially during January. Nowadays, I could barely read a book. But January actually was the month that I managed to read two books that I really loved. First, Ubik is so freaking badass and mind blowing. I want to talk about it, but I’d rather talk about what could possibly be the best book that I’ve read so far.

“The Alchemist” by Paulo Coehlo. The book is not just a collection of words and thoughts in my eyes, for me, it is a collection of heavenly bodies that managed to explode into a galaxy that helped in conspiring a life that I am still in awe to look at.

This is my view, my reflection of January. But that doesn’t mean I was happy all throughout that month. I was in that position in my life, not knowing where to go and what to do. Even when I am surrounded by beautiful souls that I learned to appreciate more after that month, I still felt so alone.

Until I watched Cowboy Bebop.

an illustration (by yours truly) of Spike from the anime “Cowboy Bebop”

Okay, I don’t want to sound weird but that anime changed my life. In what sense? Well I somehow felt that I wasn’t alone. I saw myself in Spike, the main protagonist of the critically acclaimed anime. As the episodes progress, it eventually showed that Spike is someone who is brushing off what people feel, even though he feels the same way. Acting strong enough but when the past returned to his vision, from a drifting bounty hunter, he became a man on a mission. I saw in Spike the weight that I carried all these years, and that just like him, if I have a chance to feel alive, I would go and take it, even when my life is the price.