Is everyone still here? I’m sorry but I really don’t know how to open this blog after months of being missing in action. To those who might be wondering, let me share my story from July to today.

July has, and still is the most melancholic month for me. During this month, I lost my uncle, and I almost lost my dad who spent one month and a week confined in the hospital alone. At the same time, half of my family members who live in the same space as us (including my mom and my sister) got the virus.

I was really broken, bothered, and lost. July started what I could possibly consider as the time for me to have no choice but be an adult and take responsibility in order for our family to keep going.

What makes this month grueling is the fact that it also was the beginning of our school year.

I really had no other choice but to be someone else from being a 20 year old man, who is afraid to wake up every day, into someone who is strong and optimistic so I could make ends meet.

All of that led to the making of my second zine entitled as HUMAN. It was something that I cannot really finish at that time due to the lack of motivation and inspiration. But once I felt like falling apart, I finally understood what it is to be human. And I decided to put all of that in my art, in my life.

What started out as a random hobby, became a means to help out my family. By august, we really needed to save funds in order to help pay my dad’s hospital bills.

It was an outstanding amount even if there were already a lot of discounts from various cards subtracted to the outstanding amount.

With the help of family, friends, colleagues, and strangers, we managed to pay most of the balance to get my dad out of the hospital after a month and week of stay there.

August was really long, it felt like July and August lasted for two years instead of just two months.

I rarely sleep enough, so I could grind artwork commissions and school works.

I pushed myself to be the best version of myself every single time for my kids while deep inside I really felt like quitting at times. But man, I survived.

By mid September, I already managed to finish all the artwork commissions and started working on my yearly journey of making a short film.

It was a frustrating, grueling, yet rewarding process of over thinking and putting it in the simplest way possible in order to tell a compelling story even with a minimal dialogue.

My brother told me that making it seem like it was inspired by a silent film would be pretty cool, so I decided to make it filtered by blue and the others will be black and white to tell a story represented by three colors.

You can watch it thru the following links:

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1021965858234434&id=100012630878841

I really pushed myself to have a mindset that is more positive and less toxic than I used to. And to be honest, it’s been a wild ride.

Struggling due to not finding the connection that I used to have, the freedom to feel better by going out, and all that are forever gone.

It will never be like what it used to be.

I understand, even though it really took me a while to get myself into this position of accepting what’s at hand while still pushing myself to excel even with the limitations that is the pandemic.

Whenever there is a chance for me to cycle in the afternoon, I always make sure that it will be worth all the troubles.

Most days, I just stare at myself thinking how can I do better. A handful of days show a much better view of who I am now.

To the point that I had a couple of successive breakdowns that no one really know.

I feel insecure, I feel unwanted, I feel alone, and I feel like I have nothing left to do.

Until…

I’m currently writing this after “asking for help”, after sending a message to one of my close friends, and she randomly started a video call and even though I didn’t say what’s really happening, our random chat managed to bring me out of another night where I can’t breathe.

My heart was beating so fast as my anxiety kicks in.

For the first time in my life, I managed to really talk myself down to seek professional help in the near future.

Today is World Mental Health Day.

And I am not going to be that guy who will say that “You can do it, because you can”.

I will say, that “You can do it, you are not alone”.

It’s hard man, I decided to lose most of my social media accounts so I could really learn how to compose myself better.

At the same time, I left group chats where I felt invisible. To be honest, that was the reason why my heart raced earlier. I was always opening topics to talk about and all that, but no one bothers to continue talking to me. And I saw that after I left, they were more active than before. It’s tough man, I wanted to cry. But I really don’t know how. It is by that instant, after months of pretending it was okay for me, that it wasn’t.

I still love them, I still do. They were there for me before when I was barely there for myself. I wish I could have told them that I need help, but yeah, I actually said I’m struggling. But that’s that.

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This leads me to you, whoever you are. Thank you.

My story is about a man, who is struggling, who feels alone, a man from manila.

I know for a fact that we all have stories we wish to say, or tell. Stories that we can barely speak of.

“life finds a way”

With all my heart, I want you to know that you need to rest your heart. To take it step by step. What’s happening is ugly, and it can get uglier. But that doesn’t mean that we can be a little pretty every now and then.

For I believe that all these flaws that we get to see about ourselves will soon wash away, as soon as we learn to accept it.

Because if we continue to look for the end of the rainbow after every rain, we forget to see and appreciate how wonderful and life-changing those colors in the sky are.

We are already asked to wear masks, no need to put on another one.

One day, but not today.

tomorrow, hopefully

see you all at the other side