where do you go? (when you can’t fall asleep)

lyrics:

the clock is ticking

eyes wide open

tell me what you’re thinking

where have you been?

are you still dreaming?

and your heart’s taken

tell me what’s the feeling

what have you seen?

in the night, some cry

trying to be alright

in the light, they lie

hiding truth from sight

the clock is ticking

soon it’ll be morning

staring at the ceiling

are you still mourning?

in the night, some die

no more life to fight

in the light, they fly

to a world out of sight

the clock is ticking

on me, on you, on us

why wait for morning

to me, it’s you, I trust

but hush, they say

the night is a way

when silence is at a bay

where are the noises and shouts
of your thoughts

do you push them all away?

are you dry and out?
looking for the demons,
the ghosts in you

remember

the clock is ticking

–

to the one that I will love forever

the skies may be blue
and a space between us two
still, I will find you

we all have our flaws
especially, once up close
once in the same plane
but it won’t really matter
as long as we’re together

the red string of faith
will soon find its way to us
all will be worth it

–

when you can’t fall asleep, where do you go?

i can’t take my mind of
things that I can barely hold
if only I can get hold of
something warm in this cold

i can’t keep my eyes closed
no matter how tired I am
until another day arose
still wondering who I am

or who I will be
with all these insecurities
thoughts that I can barely
hold on to, for me to describe
let go, for me to understand

but soon it will end
with this message, I send
for those who are like me
I hope you know that soon it will be

a much brighter night than tonight

I just that one day
when you cannot fall asleep
You’ll look at this day
and realize that every weep
is all wort it.

where I’m at

This is quite a different entry to all of my blog posts ever since I created this page.

If you managed to see some of my work, all of them, or even one of them, I just want to say thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

All throughout my year as someone who fully committed to his art, I really feel grateful. Even when it takes a lot of time where I just hate myself so much to the point that I decide to stop doing things that I used to love.

I’m writing this one, to speak about something that I really want to talk about for so long.

I feel empty, and sometimes, like today, I feel so terrible to the point that I could barely stand or sit up straight. My hands were shaking, and I just wish to be gone, even just for a minute.

The world right now is falling apart. The pandemic, the deaths, the corrupt leaders, and the community as a whole are not in the same page.

It’s been almost three months since the last time that I managed to go out and take my usual quiet time at my favorite coffee shop.

At this point, there are times where I tell myself that the world is bigger than what is happening with me. But then I realized, if I keep pushing myself out, and pretend that I’m alright while everything else falls apart, I’m going to lose myself again.

I just had a random chat with someone earlier, and I got the usual “don’t you have any friends? lol”.

Yes, I do have friends. I didn’t judge that person, because we barely know each other. It woke me up to the fact that, yes I do have friends, but that’s it.

Hear me out, there’s a reason for this different kind of blog from me. And the very reason is that, I do have friends. And I tried, tried a lot of times to be heard.

But like I said, everything is falling apart. That’s why even if I really can’t keep myself together, I understand why I could barely express myself with them.

At a time where I needed to be with someone, I truly feel that I need to be alone.

I wish and hope I could still go quiet in the night. Sipping my favorite coffee, staring at the moon and stars, far from where I am now.

But I’m here, stuck in a situation no one asked for, trying to figure out what else to do in order to heal myself.

It sucks that I cannot read a book anymore, no matter how hard I try.

It sucks that I cannot write a poem anymore, no matter how hard I try.

It sucks that I cannot go for a night walk anymore, no matter how hard I wish.

But I have to keep going. I need to. I need to save myself.

The world may be a million times bigger than me, the world could care less about where I’m at.

But I will still keep going.

I will crumble

I will fall apart

but one day