This death happened years ago, but if we look back, what happened next after such event? Did we stop such acts? Or is it still evident to this day? We may have different view points in life, but such acts being shown by “some” of our policemen are not isolated cases. Ever since this administration started, the focus and the theme is violence. From deaths, to brutality, and even to unjust decisions. The amount of deaths that occured from EJK, to red-tagging, and even due to COVID should be called out. The government should be accountable. For they are the ones who gave instructions, who decided to play Gods, and thus, a legion of blind supporters followed. In a world where hope is barely seen, no matter how old you are, wherever you are, it’s time we wake up and change what’s wrong. The idea of “Bayan muna bago sarili” is not the ideal that will help us proceed. At times like this, in order for us to save our dear Inang Pilipinas, let us save ourselves first so we could fight for our country. #stopthekilling #stoppolicebrutality
The Undertaker was, is, and will always be a big part of my life. A character beyond a character, Mark Calaway was The Undertaker for 30 strong years. – Mark lived the gimmick, showcasing his dedication and loved for professional wrestling like no other. – The Undertaker is a character that will live on forever, as one of the most significant art pieces ever lived and explored. – From his early days of being the undead, to being haunted by his fiery past, being the prince of darkness, the american badass, big evil, the phenom, and back to where it all began, being Mark Calaway. – Mark was once said in his face, that no one will pay money to see him do what he love the most, but 30 years later, he more than proved that person wrong. – The amount of arenas and merchandise he sold out, the amount of fans he terrified, and of course, the amount of fans he gave joy to, is a testament to what an Icon should be. – The Undertaker is a phenomenal example that when you give everything that you have, and take advantage of all the opportunities presented to you to grow, not only will you become what you dream to be, you will also change lives of people for the better in your journey. – Thank you Undertaker for being a huge part of my childhood, to now in my 20s. I carry the lessons that I have learned from you, and I hope and pray that you will live on and enjoy your life as Mark Calaway. – #ThankYouTaker
TANKA 短歌 Tanka is a 31-syllable poem from the rich genre of classical Japan. It follows the form 5-7-5-7-7. I got introduced this form of poetry after I watched Makoto Shinkai’s film “The Garden of Words” Ever since then, I started writing such poetry to express my feelings and the world that I see in front of me, and in my dreams. Such genre helped me to express myself in a manner of being self-aware and at the same time, open to mistakes and improvement.
短歌 the infamous bay used to swim in hues of blue shadowed by today with trashes of me and you as the bay swims all in gray
短歌
its resurrection worked through the deaths of many no peaceful notion still linked to controversy and endless toxicity
短歌
the life of this bay nothing but a metaphor a sad song at play of the men of manila and the future of today
短歌
is this real or not? just a dream or a nightmare? can’t tell which is which am I alive, and you’re dead? or I’m dead and you’re alive?
短歌
under the gray skies a few minutes to prepare for twilight to come for something beyond human to unmask itself to me
短歌
it is time to go with all this weight I carry over my shoulder that I will try to shoulder until I can let it go
短歌
an impatient girl who screams like a psychopath who hates the whole world yet barely understands it maybe soon she will be free
短歌
here is another another chance for my life here is a new year a new year to start again to begin again, and live.
短歌
so I ran away to a world that cannot stay a world made of you a world that never felt true for it lies on us two
短歌
and it led me back got lost in manila too together with you and there we found peace and truth a night tailored for us two
短歌
I stopped and looked back why am I under attack? there I found myself teaching, while struggling to walk and there is no running now
短歌
so, what do I do? now that I know what is true? can I get a clue? or should I just wait for you? but who in the hell are you?
短歌
’til we meet again with this temporary pain and this long bright rain you told me to keep my sane because we will meet again
短歌
built myself from scratch just to fall back down again but I will not stop as I learn from all the pain I will smile, and start again
短歌
looking back, I see a colorless memory talking silently telling me that I should be the man that I dream to be
短歌
man, what should I do? how will I be free of you? is there a way out? or am I just not ready? to be who I really am?
短歌
close your eyes and see something you’ve been dreaming of then, open your eyes and take a look at the sky live like it is far from lies
短歌
and now I wake up with the same morning coffee same blue cigarette but different blue inside with tears still trying to hide
短歌
right behind the doors lies how true life was before just before it soars to reach life beneath the core it went right back to the floor
短歌
waiting for something something I really don’t know in this unknown realm I found who I really am forgot I waited for it
短歌
I want you to know I may have fallen before even crushed my core but I will put on a show for my very own last ride
短歌
run away from hue towards something you don’t know to a garden of symphonies and green roses a garden of all of hue
短歌
darling, wait for me baby, please hold me tightly tell me what you see in your heart, filled with questions is there future for us two?
短歌
I wish to be lost escape this world at all cost see the same old posts that saw my being at most a life that I lost
短歌
I heard, she returned I have to really admit I really missed her I still have this care for her after all this time
短歌
I decided to write what I have been dreaming not a tomorrow but the very yesterday that is far away
短歌
stuck in this small space barely seeing any light but all is alright it needs to, or else I’ll go somewhere I once was
短歌
looking for a place where I will be who I am not knowing a thing and there I found what I need when I was told to be me
短歌
so, where do I go? when I cannot fall asleep? I am tired of it but I have to keep going for life will soon be alright
短歌
I feel somewhat lost trying to move at all cost trying to escape the circle I got stuck with still fighting, not losing hope
短歌
so I lay outside looking at the very stars that knows who I am more than I even know me one day, maybe, I will be –
短歌
taken by my mind to a bay I always knew something from a dream screaming in serenity longing for it to be real
短歌
so I put aside all the things I should have done looking from outside to understand what I hide and why I set it aside
短歌
I look at myself and I see everyone else then I looked at you surrounded by this deep blue and I saw myself
短歌
a storm brewing in for months, it stayed deep within but now, it rages how long will this part go on? will I still live? and go on?
Chapter One : Almost Human a story of a man who is in a world filled with uncertainties as he tries to find out if he is something human.
Year, 2020 open your eyes, stop dreaming they’re all lies, stop screaming the past have passed the future is now present a curse wrapped as a gift a gift given to every peasant cars are still humbled images which the future defies the gravity crumpled the memories and the fantasies fly with its good byes
“where we’re going, we don’t need roads” because it’s all dust, debris all over the crust it’s all a bust, for men do it all for lust it’s all on us, why every gold is married with rust how can a society be so advance go backwards as it forwards? well, what do I know? this ain’t no place for a hero.
hopped on a train created by blood with every grain crowded by strangers of with varying pain with blank faces, and tears lost in the rain slaves of our own creations we are masters of no nations defined by a single quotation that leads to our own extinction what’s real, and what’s not doesn’t even mean a lot
a man created his equal his equal, unparalleled leaving his creator’s blood in every component, a flood this draws a line between you and I but as we talk look eye to eye there’s nothing left for me to do when you are much better with everything that I’m supposed to do
now, we’re all children of men as you show the cards on your deck hardly yours before but in our memories it is, for it is what you have you stored our stories will soon be Jurassic as yours park its writings on our attic soon you will be real and I will be the myth
I love how you show me the best As you bring the beast out of me as you put the rage in between what I could be but age seems to be in favour of your beauty I’m all alone until you came You made me feel something real while we’re in this reel I love you and I hate you for we are not the same
do you hear the symphony? from machines hitting its high gear the rhythm of humanity lost in the very serenity of a black water that was once clear now that a mirror is made between the two of us we cannot run anymore from the blade of an unknown trust
wake up it’s a new year they say still wearing the same tee as the memories stay what the fuck will be different today? I’m surrounded by them who are more human than me maybe maybe I’m going crazy I feel like an alien in my own reality
right now, it’s just me in this room of uncertainty it’s spreading, it’s taking over I don’t know what this means seems like it’s seeking for closure now, the water is coming out the spots reddening like somehow, someway it’s trying to shout but no one hears and no one sees but me. and only me.
it’s been three days but the tree stay the same dotted at almost every single frame is there a way out of this? can we stop it? Shit. I don’t know. my mind is filled with dots just like my skin my eyes are still wide open but can someone please, if you please wake me up from this fucking dream
now it feels like we’re slowly marrying our bed whenever I stand up I feel like I’m dead a word that was slashed by the sword of your truth all of this splashed because I took a bite from that fruit shoot here it goes again stop this fucking pain
where this leads is beyond our minds seems like a great topic for a symposium where this leads is beyond our hearts once the paranoia explodes there it begins the much awaited pandemonium
the wings of the dragons, humbled bathing with its own blood and the images of the past drowns my mind with a flood of tears married with my fears and my peers carry the spears that was once a part of me now they are apart from me I’m all alone and lonely
What are you? Who are you? your eyes materialized a hammer that broke the iced wall that blocks the fall of the stars that I always try to call what have you done? will you ever be gone? If not stay
if we can no longer play tag with time can we just live like there is no existence of crime? the rhyme stays with the time that says it’s time to do it before it is all too late forget the word quit remove it from your plate draw the skies with a rainbow where it doesn’t have any ending for it to overshadow hue with beds for one another
few more days left and it will all be over so take that step and start all over now it is all over no more words to use no more scenes for clues what more to write?
quiet listen to my actions look close your eyes to the tensions the time is heading to zero as the lights feel like people who were once here who we all used to hear
what’s happening? is it, could it be, is this the day you’ve been waiting for? but why is everything out of beat? if this is really the day am I ready for what’s in store?
WAIT. THE WRITINGS ARE RUNNING. SOMETHING IS COMING. IS THIS THE ONE WE ARE WAITING FOR?
the skies are painted with clouds from our mouth as the colors present the shroud from the south and what’s from the north shall see its rebirth for it is the rise of the living dead and the fall of the artificial in their proper beds
now, my eyes are on a mission as reality bends for the sake of someone’s fantasy the war within his thoughts the war he questions in his heart is now upon me in front of me am I ready for this?
united with the sun as the lights passes through everyone a silhouette rose from the thorns of the fishes with a hand signaling a “war for peace” and there it all goes. the MADE, faces their makers.
an hour and a half later a year of mistakes took over the reality finally kicks in that there are fantasies that lie from within now it is all a wasteland a life of unknown a world that stands and eventually falls
back at it again with stars falling from my eyes now, who will be the hero? If this place is not made for one? now, my chances are zero and the saviours are gone.
a day late for something not so great a poetry from someone who was once one a poetry from someone who is now no one.
with a pen and a paper what’s then, seems later everything about the past is now present to the future a breathing, yet coded creature turned out to be the catalyst that starts a new culture
the sickness, the darkness travelled faster than the light as the sun fade to nothingness forbidden to define the word bright with all the skyscrapers comes all these non-believers holding on to a faith of the past just so the economy will last
and then the lights came back to spotlight where the attack lasted for days those who won are still far from their winning ways losing the days that was once theirs sacrifice for victory lose for winning
there goes the teacup falling to the shadows of the unknown pushed by the words that I once have known oblivious of the fact that the true was a lie just before he could learn how to fly the teacup shatters.
the darkness caved in the pain slithered in like a snake whose venom caused a carnage revealing the parasite from within
Is the year right? For us to have so much light? most of our lives can barely turn bright as the venom flows in red water no matter what’s on your shoulder everything feels a lot heavier
the world witnessed a world that insisted to be born in between every thorn of a storm a new chapter will begin for a man who counts electric sheep after electric ship just for him to dream
days have passed he is still sitting on the same bed with the same woman trying to rewind the voices in his head a past that was present while he thinks of their future the last breath of lies and secrets define a culture from a scenery viewed as the one but a cloud of him being the only one
he stood up grabbed his coat and went to oblivion she stayed seeing her dreams deprived of any reason once the dream ended the vision closed a mission failed a world broken, broken again. she was left, all on her own.
the paths crossed again love and temptation blurred lines in ignition realizations after every misconception bodies are down faces filled with a frown a crying clown and a silent queen without a crown he returned to her delight now, will he ever leave? or, will he, continue to believe?
the clock is ticking, still. is there any time left? I still can’t remember was I, awake the whole September? what I feel is all a nightmare in the dark I saw her but here presence wasn’t there as I remain unaware of the revolution against the evolution of plastic silverware
his eyes talked his mind walked to the stories his eyes have told a river of life setting a date for death and he kisses the smoke from the dragon’s breath
the wasteland is looking for scavengers and his blade is enough for the runners fueled by redemption inspired by a realization that “reality is not reality itself” for artificial is where no natural is left
the view of the evening images of selling visuals of a beginning but the ending is left behind in the dust of mankind for the world will now be inhabited by the superior kind.
the breeze that he once showered the water he once breathes the truth the he once lied about is all a lie with a truth inside and out
Is it worth fighting for? Altered memories, is that really what’s in store? the shade of every color the front is entirely different in its core is the past genuine? when it is written by ink by the very ink filled with lies
the stars lined up in his eyes constellations of dead beings hotter when in blue everything fits like his own shoe how can something be so beautiful from afar would be so close in being the reason for your very last scar
play the game before it plays you say my name before it speaks you for a name is not an identity even the tongue of his mother remembers, but decided to forget how to even bother
travelled across the roads of highs and lows with loads on his shoulder eyes that breaths like a river swimming in the flood for what is in store even if in the end a treasure is unsure
NO INK. IN A WINK. WHAT WAS ONCE ONE. IS. NOW. ALL. GONE.
with all the voices in my head the smoke breathing in my lungs the pain swimming in my heart how the fuck am I still alive?
Smile? Frown? what’s the difference? if it’s all done by the mask rather than a straight face a face whose phase is out of pace and pasted now I’m wasted
words of a man that grew as an artificial with realism that was once beneficial a life form, so to speak with punctuations forgotten whenever they speak
almost forgot been through heaven and hell simultaneously gave all that I have and now I’m in a world that is just a crack of reality is the time running out for me?
my eyes flowed with every drop of the rain lost in time, with every rise of the pain when the chances lose its number what more is there to remember? should I still hang on to this thread? a thread sharper than a knife? or is this or is this my life?
poisoned by pleasure devoured by pressure caught on act and suddenly forgot how to act if only I could take it back if only I could, but, tick tock doesn’t ring backwards for any clock and the trick clock lost all of its magic
what more to say when words will never ever find a way to say why I feel this way just. please. don’t take her away.
reunited joy. stories. for a moment when it’s time to go back I found myself under attack. 56 | E l r a y A l c a n t a r a when will we quit again? when there is no more chance for an again there are no more reasons to continue time to say goodbye to what was once you go while there is still a little bit of color of what was once you.
LIGHTS OUT. EVERYDAY. EVERYDAY. LIGHTS OUT. coins overpopulate my pockets time is creating keyless lockets what more to do what more to say need to see the patient. . . . . to find signs if there’s any left of my patience.
shuffle before you stumble crumple the paper before the poems crumble or forever be lost in the bubble cards of misdirection and challenges live better think it through before you get stuck before you become unable to leave for victory needs proof before you learn to believe
AND WHAT SHOULD I WRITE I CANNOT SEE LIGHT
a paradise of imagination for a price lesser than the incarnation brought to you by a story yet to be unknown a story that was once unknown willing to kill just to feel guilt just to feel alive just feel that he isn’t a clone.
the light has returned the flies are now burned the giant wins against the dark the light returned but what will happen next to the bulb that only works at night?
His words returned for another chance will this be it? or will this be another hit? this is the last page of the story about a man that is almost human realizing everything after fighting his demons and returning to His creator
one day, the sky will light up again one day, it will be worth all the pain one day, the view will be the most mysterious yet the most peaceful that you will ever see for the view is your dream, breathing in reality – one day, but not today.
the view in the afternoon after a long bike ride towards Manila
Is everyone still here? I’m sorry but I really don’t know how to open this blog after months of being missing in action. To those who might be wondering, let me share my story from July to today.
July has, and still is the most melancholic month for me. During this month, I lost my uncle, and I almost lost my dad who spent one month and a week confined in the hospital alone. At the same time, half of my family members who live in the same space as us (including my mom and my sister) got the virus.
I was really broken, bothered, and lost. July started what I could possibly consider as the time for me to have no choice but be an adult and take responsibility in order for our family to keep going.
What makes this month grueling is the fact that it also was the beginning of our school year.
I really had no other choice but to be someone else from being a 20 year old man, who is afraid to wake up every day, into someone who is strong and optimistic so I could make ends meet.
All of that led to the making of my second zine entitled as HUMAN. It was something that I cannot really finish at that time due to the lack of motivation and inspiration. But once I felt like falling apart, I finally understood what it is to be human. And I decided to put all of that in my art, in my life.
I started studying Digital Art back in April and fully committed to it by August
What started out as a random hobby, became a means to help out my family. By august, we really needed to save funds in order to help pay my dad’s hospital bills.
It was an outstanding amount even if there were already a lot of discounts from various cards subtracted to the outstanding amount.
With the help of family, friends, colleagues, and strangers, we managed to pay most of the balance to get my dad out of the hospital after a month and week of stay there.
August was really long, it felt like July and August lasted for two years instead of just two months.
I rarely sleep enough, so I could grind artwork commissions and school works.
I pushed myself to be the best version of myself every single time for my kids while deep inside I really felt like quitting at times. But man, I survived.
the view during the evening of my 21st birthday
By mid September, I already managed to finish all the artwork commissions and started working on my yearly journey of making a short film.
It was a frustrating, grueling, yet rewarding process of over thinking and putting it in the simplest way possible in order to tell a compelling story even with a minimal dialogue.
My brother told me that making it seem like it was inspired by a silent film would be pretty cool, so I decided to make it filtered by blue and the others will be black and white to tell a story represented by three colors.
I really pushed myself to have a mindset that is more positive and less toxic than I used to. And to be honest, it’s been a wild ride.
Struggling due to not finding the connection that I used to have, the freedom to feel better by going out, and all that are forever gone.
It will never be like what it used to be.
I understand, even though it really took me a while to get myself into this position of accepting what’s at hand while still pushing myself to excel even with the limitations that is the pandemic.
all will be alright, in time.
Whenever there is a chance for me to cycle in the afternoon, I always make sure that it will be worth all the troubles.
Most days, I just stare at myself thinking how can I do better. A handful of days show a much better view of who I am now.
To the point that I had a couple of successive breakdowns that no one really know.
I feel insecure, I feel unwanted, I feel alone, and I feel like I have nothing left to do.
Until…
my uncle’s bike
I’m currently writing this after “asking for help”, after sending a message to one of my close friends, and she randomly started a video call and even though I didn’t say what’s really happening, our random chat managed to bring me out of another night where I can’t breathe.
My heart was beating so fast as my anxiety kicks in.
For the first time in my life, I managed to really talk myself down to seek professional help in the near future.
Today is World Mental Health Day.
And I am not going to be that guy who will say that “You can do it, because you can”.
I will say, that “You can do it, you are not alone”.
It’s hard man, I decided to lose most of my social media accounts so I could really learn how to compose myself better.
At the same time, I left group chats where I felt invisible. To be honest, that was the reason why my heart raced earlier. I was always opening topics to talk about and all that, but no one bothers to continue talking to me. And I saw that after I left, they were more active than before. It’s tough man, I wanted to cry. But I really don’t know how. It is by that instant, after months of pretending it was okay for me, that it wasn’t.
I still love them, I still do. They were there for me before when I was barely there for myself. I wish I could have told them that I need help, but yeah, I actually said I’m struggling. But that’s that.
–
This leads me to you, whoever you are. Thank you.
My story is about a man, who is struggling, who feels alone, a man from manila.
I know for a fact that we all have stories we wish to say, or tell. Stories that we can barely speak of.
“life finds a way”
With all my heart, I want you to know that you need to rest your heart. To take it step by step. What’s happening is ugly, and it can get uglier. But that doesn’t mean that we can be a little pretty every now and then.
For I believe that all these flaws that we get to see about ourselves will soon wash away, as soon as we learn to accept it.
Because if we continue to look for the end of the rainbow after every rain, we forget to see and appreciate how wonderful and life-changing those colors in the sky are.
We are already asked to wear masks, no need to put on another one.
IllegalBroTV 