To say that 2019 is a perfect year is hard to prove.

This is Elray, Elray Patrick G. Alcantara of December 31 2019 writing to you.

I know there are some who are somewhat irritated with year-end reviews, stories, but let me just say, even I am sick of it. Yet here I am, writing one. Because I realized something that I overlooked for the past couple of days.

Before I fully express myself, let me take you to a brief summary of what happened this year.

January, it is the start of the “resolutions” thing and art projects per month. Unfortunately, just like most, I failed to continue after a few days. Basically, there are things that I sought to do, to stop, and continue. But I failed to. Looking back, I was a bit disappointed with myself. Still, I managed to be distracted with the beginning of the last chapters of my college life that I forgot how messed up I was during this time.

February, there’s nothing more or less that I could say about this month. I managed to date the girl that I’ve been dreaming of since I started college. There may be some other time to tell this story, but I just can’t explain the emotions that I have during that time. We are going out as friends, and as it should. There are days in this month that I wish I could repeat or simply watch again. The first date, the best 214 I have ever had so far, and the nights at Laguna. Growing up as a boy of the city from a lower-middle class family, I never had the chance or opportunity to even see the shore, or a lake. And with that, I will forever be in debt to DOST for everything that I have experienced and received as one of their scholars. What made it better is the fact that I’m with three of my closest friends in my life. We were distant, but this trip managed to bring us back together and watch a million stars for the first time. Our souls were taken by the breeze of the night, and made whole by the view of a timeless evening.

March, the month that I took a step closer in finding out who I am supposed to be. This was a hard month, requirements and the over thinking regarding my status, whether I’ll graduate or not. And what made everything so much more than I could be thankful for, is the very fact that I found out that I was graduating at the exact same time as the job fair in our school. I took a quick photo for my resume and the rest is history. I attended my first proper job interview at CSA and I asked for one shot, one opportunity, to seize the moment, and damn I captured it. I found out that I was hired at the exact same day of our torch ceremony, and I look at it as a day that made me. That I am alive, that I am now going to a world that I never knew.

By April, it still is as dull as most of my summer. We can’t afford to even go for a beach or out of town, so most of the days were just me and my poems and sometimes, my night walks that defined this month.

May was the beginning of the seminars and training at CSA, and at the same time our LET review. This month was so tiring and draining due to the fact that I never had a single rest day for myself. But what made it so much more is the fact that it is also the month where we started to work on our Red Mass presentation. I am beyond grateful to this day to be the co-writer and director of it, and by the time that we presented it in June, all the frustrations and stress were rewarded by an experience like no other.

June and July is pretty much a hard but necessary part of the process in becoming the teacher that I am today. I was adjusting, not only with the teaching aspect, but also with my sleeping patterns. For four years, I sleep for almost five hours a day most of the time due to over thinking and requirements. It was tough, but I managed to find a way out of it because I need to.

July is also rewarding because I managed to date my friends and give back to my family, without thinking of the budget and just have fun. The happiness that I felt during this month continued up to this day. July is somewhat my renaissance, and by the start of August comes my renaissance art.

I finally managed to do a monthly art challenge that I give myself in the form of “Melancholy”, a collection of poems that are straight from my core, and there is nothing more rewarding than to finally appreciate my work together with my friends and family.

This continued by August as I released my second (last as of the moment) collection of art in the form of “Kataga”. And what came after August is the most surreal and best month of the entire year.

September, yes! My birth month. For the first time ever, I can look back at September not asking to wake up, but to keep dreaming. I managed to check a ton of my bucket list during the entire month. Most notably, my Tagaytay escape from September 21 to 22. Looking back at that day, I just feel enormous amount of peace that I have been looking for so long and somehow, some way, that’s not just it. I also managed to have my first demo presentation and the LET exam the week after. I just want to note here, I am STRESSED OUT DURING THAT WEEK. Not only was I sick asf, I also had a lot of pressure and thoughts heading to the following days. But just like most of my story here, it is all rewarding.

By October, November, and December, I managed to go out with my friends and even have meaningful coffee dates with myself while producing memories and poems that I am so proud of. It is really impossible to list all the great things that happened in the last three months, but damn I am really so happy for every bit of it.

Okay, I know I said short but that was so long. Forgive me for that but here’s my point.

In 2019, I graduated, lived my dreams, landed my first job (and what a wonderful job it is), and most importantly, I managed to be the person that I am supposed to be.

Yes there were hurdles, tough times, people that left, and things that went the other way.

But that’s life. That’s what life is supposed to be. Now I understand why I need to share this. Not to brag, but to help you, if ever there is anyone reading this, that “everything will be alright in time”.

Yes, that is actually the same lyric that she sang to me before I even knew that the song is “Leaves” by Ben & Ben. She’s out there somewhere, lost, but soon she will find herself like I did.

“New year, New me” sounds corny, but it shouldn’t be. It all starts with you, with yourself. For years, I doubted my skills in art and teaching, and by taking the risks that I did this year and waiting for the right moment, I managed to become the person that I am supposed to be.

So hey, you there my friend. If 2019 of yours is nothing like mine (for better or worse), you do not have to be sad. Life works this way. The moment you start living your life is the moment you accept who you are right now. You do not need and should never compare yourself to others. Okay, I know this is so long already but if you’re still here, let me take you to classroom during my demo teaching for CSA last March.

There’s this topic in Math called “Permutation” which refers to the arrangement of objects. I presented it this way in my motivation activity and I hope even by just reading this, you guys will be motivated.

It should be understood that there are different permutations for all of us.

Example, I was born, studied, graduated, worked, and in the future I plan on getting my Master’s and Doctor’s degree before settling down.

While there are some who chose to study again right after they graduated. Others may even work before they graduate due to circumstances beyond their control.

But at the end of the day, you should realize this. There is always a time for everything. Every day, Every hour, every minute, and every second is an opportunity for us to fulfill our dreams. You just have to look deep within you, remember that God is always with you, your family is with you, your friends are with you, and most importantly, you are with you.

Your time will come, just be patient, and start it by knowing who you are. The journey is long, and your stay in the destination may be short, but it is all worth it. Do not give up on your dreams, do not give up with you life, and most importantly, do not give up on yourself.

This Elray of December 31, 2019.

Go on, don’t be afraid.